Stuck

I woke up sad this morning.

Not in a depressed stay in bad kind of sad, just sad.

I eventually got out of bed, did my workout, ate breakfast and made my way to work. That is, after I sat in my car and listened to “Turning Tables,” cried a little. Pulled out of my garage while “Don’t You Remember” played, cried a little more and ended up in the parking lot at work while “Take It All” played and you guessed it, cried some more.

Note to self: Break Adele CD.

I don’t know if sad is exactly the way to describe how I felt this morning, maybe stuck is more like it.

Stuck here.

Stuck because I am at the point where I don’t see any progress being made. I don’t know if I am better for moving here even though I know that I am doing better living here than if I were still in my hometown.

Stuck because change is happening so slowly, that I can’t recognize if it is happening at all. I know that I shouldn’t worry; I have always been a late bloomer. I mean, I was the last of my friends to get boobs and, well…

Stuck because when I feel like this, I still want comfort in the things I can’t have anymore. Like reading a book on the “L” way past my stop because I just need a little me time and some peace, or asking Sunny and Peter to hang out after work because I wanted wings, beer and friends that I didn’t have to explain anything to. This time of year, I especially miss that after a bad day, Ralph would pick me up from work early so that we could go to Six Flags and I could escape. I also felt comfort in our late drives home from the park and singing along to his Frank Sinatra CD even though we’d probably just argued about something (his fault, I’m sure).

Sometimes, I think it would have been easier if we’d never met. I wouldn’t have spent five years waiting, I would be probably be on the “L” right now and Adele would just be that British girl with the awesome voice instead of the only person that knows my pain. (How does she know? How?)

When I was sitting in my car willing myself to make it into my office, I realized that it was exactly a year ago today that I was in Wisconsin Dells with Sunny and Peter that I got the call.

They wanted me in Terre Haute. I had gotten the job and they wanted to know when I could start. I accepted on the spot without knowing my salary and where I would live or if I could even break my lease. All I knew was that this move felt right and I didn’t want to be stuck.

Here I am a year later and I am still feeling stuck.

There are days when I know that I am moving forward and that I am not exactly where I was a year ago and that I am doing better.

Then there are the days (like today) that I am crying because I still haven’t figured out how to stop missing what I planned my life would be and listening to Adele on repeat asking myself how she knows me so well. (Seriously, how?)

I remember before I left, I met up with a friend for dinner and I was listing all of the ways this move would be positive and some goals I had. #1-pick up two hobbies (finally learning to play the guitar my mom got me seven years ago being among them) and #2-start dating. Well, Sassy and I took up knitting…for about five minutes, my guitar is still collecting dust, and we know how things are going with Ted.

I know that I can’t measure success based on the goals an incredibly confused, sad girl in transition made a year ago, but I need a win and right now and I feel like all I can achieve is an honorable mention.