April 29th

I have been thinking about him all day.

I probably shouldn't have taken the day off of work, but being around people too much sometimes makes it harder. They notice when I am not upbeat and it is so much damn work to be chipper all the time. I knew that I needed to get out, so that's why I agreed to do CeeCee's Thirty-One party today. I would be surrounded by people that didn't know I was working hard to be chipper instead of wallowing in my apartment. Alone.

I almost didn't call him, but I did. Sassy and CeeCee both made sure that I understood that I HAD to call him. 

I was never going to not call him, I sometimes hesitate...this time I waited until it was 7:27p Illinois time and when the machine picked up, I was super chipper when I said:

"Hey guys this is Lainie! I'm calling because I am sure that someone in that house has a birthday, but I can't think of who at the moment. Well, I am going to need to figure it out, but if you figure it out before I do, make sure he gives me a call back. Love you all!"

I cried a little once I hung up the phone. 

This day will always be the most beautiful and the most painful part of my existence.

Today is Isaiah's birthday.

And ten years ago I gave birth to him. At 727p Illinois time

I still remember that day like it was yesterday...well most of it, I may have been on drugs.

I was admitted to the hospital the day before; they were inducing labor at 38 weeks because apparently I was ready. I didn't know any better, I was just happy that there was an end in sight... 

My pregnancy was hard. 

Not physically, even though I should have taken it easier, but emotionally. It was literally the lowest point of my life. I had to leave school, I didn't have support from my mom and she told me that I couldn't tell my family or live with her so I had to move to Huntington, IN (Terre Haute, you were not my first Indiana residence!) where my best friend CJ and her college friends were in need of a roommate for their last semester of college. I didn't have money or a job and I was disconnected from my family  because even though I was 23, there was still some shame involved

I moved back to Chicago a few weeks before the birth because I had to deliver in Illinois because of the adoption laws so I was probably the most pregnant Nomad since the Ancient Hebrews! I slept on friends’ couches and in their dorm rooms. I remember being excited to go to the hospital because it meant I would sleep in an actual bed!

Like I said, my pregnancy was hard.

Lola arrived at the hospital first, then my mom, then my friend Grace and then CJ. She drove the three hours to be there "to catch the head!"

I endured twenty-four hours of labor and I was kind of miserable...though I do remember having some fantastic drugs!

It was about 6p when they ruled I needed a C-Section. I know it was 6 o'clock and that it was a Tuesday night because I remember looking at the clock and thinking. "If they do it now and hurry, I can be back in this room in time for Buffy!"

Yes, I have always been a fangirl. I've been one since before it was cool!

Needless to say, they took their sweet time and I did not make it back in time to see Buffy. Not that I would have been cognizant of the vampire slaying after the surgery anyway. 

It makes me smile when I think about the minute I first heard him cry. I was so high that ten seconds before I was asking if they had started cutting! That was all I needed as my answer. His cries. 

Lola ended up being my person to catch the head and her eyes were full of tears as she showed me my baby boy. 

I loved him in that instant. I told him so right then and there.

And promptly fell asleep.

The days in the hospital that followed were a blur. I remember some things and that I had visitors and my mom kept saying inane things like "He's so cute, Lainie. Can't we keep him?" Right Mom, the whole reason I made an adoption plan for Isaiah was my resistance to raising an ugly child. 

I know the Strides (Isaiah's adoptive family) were there everyday and we made our departure plans. We got legal papers drawn up so they could take him first and I wouldn't be required to hand him over at the hospital curb, but we had a nurse that was convinced that I was placing Isaiah under duress and got her supervisors to back her when she decided that I would have to in fact be wheeled out of the hospital, babe in arms and hand him over when we reached the exit. Stupid cow!

The most excruciating ten minutes of my life. I don't ever remember crying so hard in my life. I almost didn't hand him over. The only thing holding me back was that I was essentially homeless and my entire family didn't know about the pregnancy, so it would take a lot of explaining if I showed up at any of their homes with a baby and no way to support the two of us.

So I let Lynn take him out of my arms and I will never forget the way she tentatively leaned over, kissed my forehead and said "Thank you, Lainie." 

I didn't say anything back and I am not sure I would have said "you're welcome" had I responded. Had I thought about it at the time, I would have thanked her too. She and Mike were giving my son and I a chance at a better life that I would have not been able to provide at least for a while (probably not until now) and her insistence at having an open adoption allows me to leave messages for him on his tenth birthday and help serve the cake and ice cream on his first.

Isaiah knows me and I know him.

Today is hard, but I am so blessed to have it.

Last Night At Denny's

When I was attended college, my friends and I would always go to this diner called Omega, order an insane amount of food that was no good for us and take up a table for hours where we would talk (loudly), laugh (obnoxiously) and (usually) everyone would get a turn talking about their issues and the group would attempt to figure out how to help the others. The group of people that went over the years would change (sometimes from week to week), but we always had our constants.

There was our friend, Liz who always had a crazy spell with an ex or a guy who was about to be an ex.

Manny, who was the sweetest effeminate non-gay guy that spent most of college pining for his ex and wondering why girls didn’t like him.

Cassandra, our sane friend.

Then there was me (of course), that was always dealing with a non-relationship with someone that was potentially gay.

Last night felt like I was in college again.

It started out like a pretty normal Friday night, CeeCee and I met up with Darcy (we are kind of friends now, I somehow managed it after Chaps-gate) because she wants us to join her direct selling business. Afterward, we met up with CeeCee’s girlfriend to see a play.

It was pretty hilarious, some people that were involved with our musical were in it and it was good to see old friends. I haven’t seen some people in months and I got called skinny!

I could have ended my night right there perfectly happy, but Prue was having a bad day and we were all kind of hungry so we decided to meet her at a Denny’s (black people!) and lend an ear.

Prue, now playing the role of Liz, proceeded to tell us about her afternoon dealing with an ex that turned out not be as amazing as we’d originally thought…so she took the dog. Her dog, not his…but now she had to figure out what to do with the dog.

Thankfully, there was a solution to some of the craziness and we were all able to laugh (loudly and obnoxiously) at the situation and offer sage advice on her dealings with the current guy. We like him and want him to stick around…we’re just hoping there isn’t any joint custody of dogs just yet.

We didn’t have a Manny, but we did have a Cassandra, whose role was played exceptionally well by CeeCee.

She’s always been our voice of reason so it makes sense that she would be the sane friend out of all us. A few months back, when Stacy and I were ranking our group of friends according to how well we managed our crazy around others (because we all have crazy); CeeCee was number one with Stacy a close second. Me? I was third. Smack dab in the middle of the five of us…but no where near as sane as CeeCee and Stacy were.

Anyway, CeeCee is the sane one that shows her love through her honesty and helping us reign in our crazy when we get dangerously close to the edge.

Her calming voice tone and lasso of truth were used on me last night.

The girls are kind of worried about my (non) relationship with Roger. To be fair, I am pretty sure everyone in my life is worried about my relationship with Roger.

It is gonna take some time to get into what the last three months have been like and Roger fits in there. All you need to know right now is that he is my person.

I got incredibly vulnerable after my apartment was robbed and my conversation with Ralph. After holding him (somewhat) at arms length for the first couple of months, I let my guard down and now I depend on him…a lot more than I should.

Oh, you should know that he’s 20.

And bi.

Once we sat down, she checked in with me once again about our relationship status and gave me her look when I told her we were just friends.

She and Prue started the invention. Well, I should say picked up where we left off with Stacy last Friday night. I believe the Intervention to be a recurring event that will not end until the relationship between Roger and I ends or actually resembles a platonic friendship.

They are just looking out for me and I love them for that, I just need a minute to figure some things out and get my head on straight.

So yeah, I felt like I was in college again last night:

1. I am pretty sure we would have been kicked out of Denny’s due our noisiness.

2. We were eating like metabolisms don’t exist.

And 3. My friends were trying to protect me from a slightly dysfunctional relationship with twenty year-old potentially gay person.

Oh, I should let you know that I saw my first real live homeless person last night. One more thing I can be sure to find in a Denny’s!

Playing Catch Up (Part One of Who Knows How Many)

OK, I know that one day I will look back on all of this and realize God had a plan all along.

That I really should be patient and see all of this craziness for the test and character builder that it is and be ecstatic that I am being prepared for something wonderful.  

I just need to sit tight because it would really be a shame to leave 5 minutes before the miracle.

So, the time has come for a much needed update on my life and it will have to happen in parts because the last few months have been equal parts awesome and upsetting, so I will start from the beginning and do my best to get you up to speed.

Well, there was the conference and the disaster that never happened that we call Andy, I turned 33 and accepted my awesomeness and decided I would keep starting the party no matter what.

Some of my family and I went to New York to celebrate Christmas with my sister Stevie because she works for a national television station and can’t usually get days off around the holidays. We can’t bear not to see her so we all buy plane tickets and head east to cram into her Brooklyn apartment that she shares with a roommate all in the name of Jesus…and His birth.

We had a pretty fantastic time, we went ice skating in Bryant Park (so much cheaper and prettier than Rockefeller Center), had a fantastic Christmas morning where we all got tablets (I got an iPad!) among other gifts while still remembering the reason for the season, and my fourteen year old brother and I went to Times Square on Christmas night and took in the awesomeness!

I really love that we have this new family tradition and was sad all of us couldn’t make the trip this year. My sister Shay-Shay and her son couldn’t make it because she’d just gotten a new job and it was my (ex)

While I was in New York, I met up with an old friend from AmeriCorps that I hadn’t seen in a decade. It was kind of awesome seeing him again because looking back, I was kind of a freak (still am and super proud about it), but more awkward than I could ever explain. I mean, I could try, but I don’t think I would do it justice. Rob helped to rid me of some of that awkwardness just by being my friend.

Full disclosure: I totally had a mad crush…and I realize that you know me well enough to know that should have gone without saying.

My excitement could not be contained and found myself wondering how much ten years had changed us. When we knew each other, he was a cynical academic that thought he knew it all and I was…me.

I met him for a beer at a hole in the wall pub in Greenwich Village and it was like no time had passed at all. He was the same Rob…his hair was just longer and he was willing to admit that he didn’t know it all.  He said I was still the same Lainie and I thought he was crazy. I was all “What do you mean?! I was such a freak!”  He just shook his head and said there was nothing wrong with me back then which I just have taken to mean that letting my freak flag fly was totally working for me then just like I am making it work for me now.

We had a few more drinks and decided to brave the rainstorm and have dinner at a Thai place that was (somewhat) close by and talked and talked some more. We were the same Rob and Lainie, but ten years had changed us in ways we didn’t realize, we were wiser (Rob now knows that he doesn’t know everything, I now know the world isn’t made of marshmallows and rainbows.), we also were now aware of how far we’d come. I don’t know everything that happened in Rob’s life over the last decade, but I’m glad I know myself a bit better.

Meeting up with an old friend was able to remind me to keep moving forward and that I really shouldn’t focus on looking back until I come through the other side of whatever this is I am going through.