Breaking the Rules

I wish I were a Rules girl.

This would have probably gone better if I were a Rules girl.

I went out with Ted last night, we met up at the Barnes and Noble and literally walked through the bookstore for an hour and half (weird, right?) and then went to Copper Bar where he goes all the time and he is like Norm and all the waitresses know him. Our waitress last night is a Colt’s cheerleader and although he was just being a nice guy, he came off as creepily flirty. He even hugged her when we left! She was even a bit put off by it. I have no idea what is up with him sometimes, but I am fine whether he calls me or not.

I would definitely classify my night with Ted a fail. So much so that after Sassy left my apartment (she was reassuring me that I am OK and anyone would be lucky to have me yadda yadda yadda...) I immediate looked up The Rules book of nineties fame, downloaded and listened to the audiobook then confirmed my suspicion that I was dead in the water before the night even started.

There are 35 rules in the book that you have to follow to get a man or whatever and there were eight that applied to my situation with Ted:

Rule #1. Be a Creature Unlike Any Other

Rule #2. Don't Talk First (and Don't Ask Him to Dance)

Rule #3. Don't Stare or Talk Too Much

Rule #4. Don't Meet Halfway or Go Dutch

Rule #6. Always End Phone Calls First

Rule #7. Don't Accept A Saturday Date after Wednesday

Rule #8 Fill Up Your Time Before a Date

Rule #17. Let Him Take the Lead

I broke six of them. Maybe seven.

Let me break it down for you.

Rule #1: Be a Creature Unlike Any Other. Ok, I have this one down pat. Blessing or curse, I am definitely my own person and although it is not exactly what the relationships gurus meant, I am going to accept it as a win. I mean, they want me to be demure and mysterious. Me, demure? Mysterious? Not gonna happen. They are just going to have to settle for blunt and unpredictable.

Rule #2: Don’t Talk First (And Don’t Ask Him To Dance). Our phone conversation last Friday night definitely breaks this rule. I called him. I told him I was interested in getting to know him better and now he thinks he’s hot shit when in fact I. Am hot shit. The hottest in fact, but I didn’t give him the chance to realize that on his own. This was evidenced in the fact that when I arrived at the book store, he kind of was like “Oh, hi. There you are Lainie.” and went back to reading the jacket of a book. It was like I was the Perry to his Phineas. Actually, no. I felt more like Isabella, I think I even said “What ‘cha doin’?”  He just kind of expected me to be there and I don’t really think he was all that excited to see me. Probably because I put the ball in his court.

Rule #3 Don’t Stare or Talk Too Much. Biggest. Rule. Infraction. Ever. I didn’t stare, but I did talk. A lot. If you know me, you know that I am usually not at a loss for words. I can tackle just about any subject and I know a ton of useless information (I have a dream to be on Jeopardy one day). Once I arrived and Ted seemed indifferent, I went into girl mode and kept talking to get his attention. Talking with hopes that he was interested in what I had to say. Talking in response to whatever he said when I let him get a word in. I was aware that I was talking too much, but I had no control. I tried self-talk (“Shut the fuck up, Lainie,” I would say to myself every five minutes) and when that didn’t work, I was finally shamed into putting a lid on it. We were in the philosophy section and I was talking about something when mid-sentence, Ted handed me a book and said, “Why don’t you take a look at that.” I took the book, flipped through it, waited the appropriate amount of time excused myself and went to the bathroom and attempted to get a grip. I did much better when we went to dinner.

Rule #4 Don’t Meet Halfway or Go Dutch. We got separate checks.

Rule #6 Always End Phone Calls First. This happened a few weeks back and I am well aware of this rule and just as I was about to end the conversation, he beat me to the punch. I was still under the influence of vicodin so I am using that as my defense and he was calling to check in after my surgery so that was sweet of him.

Rule #7 Don’t Accept a Saturday Date After Wednesday. Our date was on a Wednesday, but I broke this rule big time. At about quarter to five I got a text asking what my plans were, I responded nothing and that was when he asked me to the bookstore and dinner. Actually, he told me where he was going and I could come if I “cared to join” him. I was there in half an hour. Wow, Lainie, you are incredibly hard to get.

Rule #8 Fill Up Your Time Before A Date. This is the one rule that I actually followed with no effort. See previous rule.

Rule #17 Let Him Take the Lead. I have a hard time letting anyone take the lead. I’m the oldest of five. I am always in charge. Ralph used to always remind me that he had to take the lead when we were dancing at weddings. Last night, when we walked up to the bar, I opened and held open the door. Ted looked a bit taken aback and had to remind me “Ladies first.” The sad part? I did again on the way out.

Epic. Fail.

I don’t know if I have it in me to be a Rules girl, but I know I have it in me to try. I don’t think I will get another chance with Ted and I am not sure if I want one, but I will have another chance to try it out.

I have a date with Vincent on Saturday night, but that is another story for another day.