April 29th

I have been thinking about him all day.

I probably shouldn't have taken the day off of work, but being around people too much sometimes makes it harder. They notice when I am not upbeat and it is so much damn work to be chipper all the time. I knew that I needed to get out, so that's why I agreed to do CeeCee's Thirty-One party today. I would be surrounded by people that didn't know I was working hard to be chipper instead of wallowing in my apartment. Alone.

I almost didn't call him, but I did. Sassy and CeeCee both made sure that I understood that I HAD to call him. 

I was never going to not call him, I sometimes hesitate...this time I waited until it was 7:27p Illinois time and when the machine picked up, I was super chipper when I said:

"Hey guys this is Lainie! I'm calling because I am sure that someone in that house has a birthday, but I can't think of who at the moment. Well, I am going to need to figure it out, but if you figure it out before I do, make sure he gives me a call back. Love you all!"

I cried a little once I hung up the phone. 

This day will always be the most beautiful and the most painful part of my existence.

Today is Isaiah's birthday.

And ten years ago I gave birth to him. At 727p Illinois time

I still remember that day like it was yesterday...well most of it, I may have been on drugs.

I was admitted to the hospital the day before; they were inducing labor at 38 weeks because apparently I was ready. I didn't know any better, I was just happy that there was an end in sight... 

My pregnancy was hard. 

Not physically, even though I should have taken it easier, but emotionally. It was literally the lowest point of my life. I had to leave school, I didn't have support from my mom and she told me that I couldn't tell my family or live with her so I had to move to Huntington, IN (Terre Haute, you were not my first Indiana residence!) where my best friend CJ and her college friends were in need of a roommate for their last semester of college. I didn't have money or a job and I was disconnected from my family  because even though I was 23, there was still some shame involved

I moved back to Chicago a few weeks before the birth because I had to deliver in Illinois because of the adoption laws so I was probably the most pregnant Nomad since the Ancient Hebrews! I slept on friends’ couches and in their dorm rooms. I remember being excited to go to the hospital because it meant I would sleep in an actual bed!

Like I said, my pregnancy was hard.

Lola arrived at the hospital first, then my mom, then my friend Grace and then CJ. She drove the three hours to be there "to catch the head!"

I endured twenty-four hours of labor and I was kind of miserable...though I do remember having some fantastic drugs!

It was about 6p when they ruled I needed a C-Section. I know it was 6 o'clock and that it was a Tuesday night because I remember looking at the clock and thinking. "If they do it now and hurry, I can be back in this room in time for Buffy!"

Yes, I have always been a fangirl. I've been one since before it was cool!

Needless to say, they took their sweet time and I did not make it back in time to see Buffy. Not that I would have been cognizant of the vampire slaying after the surgery anyway. 

It makes me smile when I think about the minute I first heard him cry. I was so high that ten seconds before I was asking if they had started cutting! That was all I needed as my answer. His cries. 

Lola ended up being my person to catch the head and her eyes were full of tears as she showed me my baby boy. 

I loved him in that instant. I told him so right then and there.

And promptly fell asleep.

The days in the hospital that followed were a blur. I remember some things and that I had visitors and my mom kept saying inane things like "He's so cute, Lainie. Can't we keep him?" Right Mom, the whole reason I made an adoption plan for Isaiah was my resistance to raising an ugly child. 

I know the Strides (Isaiah's adoptive family) were there everyday and we made our departure plans. We got legal papers drawn up so they could take him first and I wouldn't be required to hand him over at the hospital curb, but we had a nurse that was convinced that I was placing Isaiah under duress and got her supervisors to back her when she decided that I would have to in fact be wheeled out of the hospital, babe in arms and hand him over when we reached the exit. Stupid cow!

The most excruciating ten minutes of my life. I don't ever remember crying so hard in my life. I almost didn't hand him over. The only thing holding me back was that I was essentially homeless and my entire family didn't know about the pregnancy, so it would take a lot of explaining if I showed up at any of their homes with a baby and no way to support the two of us.

So I let Lynn take him out of my arms and I will never forget the way she tentatively leaned over, kissed my forehead and said "Thank you, Lainie." 

I didn't say anything back and I am not sure I would have said "you're welcome" had I responded. Had I thought about it at the time, I would have thanked her too. She and Mike were giving my son and I a chance at a better life that I would have not been able to provide at least for a while (probably not until now) and her insistence at having an open adoption allows me to leave messages for him on his tenth birthday and help serve the cake and ice cream on his first.

Isaiah knows me and I know him.

Today is hard, but I am so blessed to have it.