Lenten Renewal

OK, breathe.

We are about a week and a half into Lent and I am sucking at it!

Well, maybe not sucking, but it could be a lot better. If you remember, Lent is so much better than Advent as I am more hopeful and life is generally better in the Springtime. I haven't given anything up for Lent since college, instead, I make Lenten promises that make me a better person. There was one year I gave up being late and to keep me on track, I had to donate one of my things for every minute I was late...it got to be a real challenge after I'd gotten rid of the things I didn't particularly care for and I found my self getting ready for Easter Vigil with few options. The only thing that got better that year was my wardrobe...I had some snazzy new duds by Divine Mercy Sunday.

Holy shit! There was also the year I decided to stop swearing.

It didn't work.

There were some good years in there too, like the one when I was discerning the sisterhood and decided to include daily mass into my life. Best. Decision. Ever. I try super hard to make it 3-4 times a week and I can definitely tell the difference when I don't. Others can as well, they just don't know that I am crabby and off center because I've failed to get my Jesus on!

This Lent, I am striving for the ultimate Lainie personality improvement: I am finishing everything I start. If I start something this Lent, I am gonna finish it! I am even going to complete the things I my have started long ago and left by the wayside. That means my sister is gonna get that scarf, all the things in the corner of my office will find a home, my car will get cleaned (I started to a few months back and I think I will feel good about the accomplishment!), and no matter how long ago or irrelevant I may feel they are now, I will finish every post I started!

You dear reader, are in for a treat! I may not remember what message I meant to convey that one time I was stuck in line behind that guy, but for you (well, and Jesus), I will figure it out.

I don't know what this will mean for my self improvement, but this is one year where I really want to succeed.

Wish me lu-

Arch Support

When I left the house yesterday morning, my plan was to go to a Zumbathon supporting the Humane Society with CeeCee and Prue, possibly going to Indy for lunch and maybe getting some laundry done.

It was not in the plan to drive to St. Louis.

I was on my way to Sullivan when I thought about how much I needed to get out of town and I very much needed my happy place.

St. Louis is that place.

When ever I tell people that, they are usually eager to talk about their favorite spots and ask where I like to go or they ask for tips for seeing the city. It is kind of awkward when all I can tell them is, "Umm...hanging out with Jenni is great!"

Whenever I needed to get out of Chicago, I would call Jenni and see when I could come visit and that would be that. There were even times when one of my assistants at my old job would say "Hey Lainie...it's been a while since you've been to see Jenni and her husband, hasn't it?"

Taking the hint, I was in my car the next day and immediately relaxed when I crossed the state border and saw the Gateway Arch.

Eleven months have gone by since my last visit and driving down I-70 in my sweaty Zumba clothes with an eighth of a tank of gas was the best feeling! I knew that this was exactly what I needed.

I needed to get out of town.
I needed no expectations.
I needed to be anonymous.
I needed to get back on track.

Hmm... I am not sure if Jenni knows it or not, but she is the one that sets me right. She's not tough love and confrontational, she actually quite the opposite (ask her about the paint!). I guess that when I am with her, I know she is not expecting anything from me. I know that we can veg out, go to Target (yay!) and our favorite bakery and have the best time. I know that when I am ready to tell her what's on my mind, she will listen and she doesn't give advice or input until she's ready which is about the time that I'm ready to hear it so it all works out.

I am not sure when it started to be that way, in college I was better friends with Moira who was her roommate (and ride or die for life), but since college Jenni and I were the better friends. I don't even know what level of friend to classify her, she's pretty much in her own category of friend because there is no one else in my life with whom she compares.

Just consider me blessed to have her and that even with almost a year since we've seen each other, we didn't have to play catch up. So that kind of friend.

Anyway, I am a lot closer to being back on track than I was six weeks ago and all it took was a quick trip Missouri where I got to snuggle with the cutest 18 month old, trade barbs with Jenni's husband, going to Target to buy new underwear and Ben Gay (Zumba injury), fall asleep on the couch watching Baby Mama and just be Lainie for the night.

Visiting actually made me wonder why I don't do it more. I mean, why not go to my happy place three hours away when it would stave off visits to the dark place that only come around when I am in the Wabash Valley for way too long?

Because I forget. Sigh.

When I remember, I don't mind that I find happiness in the town that should be a Cubs fan's worst enemy, the town actually doesn't matter much. I think my happy place will be wherever Jenni and her family call home.

The First 33 years

Let me start off by saying that I just realized that I am posting this on Christmas day (well, I knew that!), celebrating the birth of Jesus with a blog post that highlights the number of years he was alive on the Earth. What a kawinkydink!

I turned 33 the other day.

If you know me well (or even if you don’t), it would be hard to miss my freaking out about growing a year older; I don’t know what made me absolutely lose it, but I had this image of myself as Princess Jasmine at the end of Aladdin being drowned in the sand of the hour glass as time was rapidly running out.

Running out of time to do what?

I realized that I had been comparing myself to where other people are in their lives. Freaking out because my friends from college would not stop having kids and there is no way I would be able to catch up with them. At the rate I am going, I am going to be paying these kids to babysit my own when the time comes.

I don’t know when it happened, but I suddenly felt that maybe my life hadn’t amounted to much because I still didn’t have a husband and kids to show for it.

And that. Is bullshit.

I woke up Saturday morning and I didn’t feel any different. I was still pressed snooze 87 times before I crawled out bed and into the shower. I still turned on the radio and jammed out as I threw on jeans and a t-shirt and my old beat up Tom’s. I still frantically packed my car knowing I was supposed to be on the road to get home for the holidays.

I was still Lainie.

So yes, while I am not at a place I thought I would be, I am still me and I am still in a good place.

33 isn’t old.

Though I don’t have a husband and child, I have had a pretty kick-ass first 33 years and I have plenty to show for it:

• I have made countless cross- country road trips awesome (just ask my friends Olive and CJ!)
• I was Senior Vice-President of the Science and Environmental Club my senior year of high school…way before going green was cool.
• I ran a successful inner-city after-school program
• I ran a successful inner-city summer camp program
• My mom calls me a “travel monger.” She says “have ticket will travel” should be my motto because I will visit any city even if I don’t know anyone in it!
• Though I am a huge klutz, I walk effortlessly in stilettos.
• I can run for a city bus in four-inch heels with out falling!
• I have completed seven marathons and counting.
• When I found my self pregnant and scared ten years ago, I made a decision for life that I am sure my son and his adoptive family thank me for everyday.
• Ralph has style because of me and even though he is in a seminary, it must kill him to think of me when ever he receives a compliment on his look.
• I am a loyal friend and I only know this because I have countless people in my life that have my back if I ever need them.
• I am 20 pounds lighter than I was when I turned 32!
• Thirteen 9 and 10 year olds can effortlessly recite the days of the week in Spanish and know they are special because of time spent in circle time when I was their pre-school teacher.
• I have my own fan-page on Facebook
• Catholic teens in Terre Haute are more open to discipleship because as I found out this summer, I taught them that “Catholic” is a verb…without either of us realizing it.
• My 2-year old nephew and 6 and 14 year old brothers hold vigil by the front door and call every fifteen minutes when they know I am on my way home, just because they want to see me. I am so loved.
• I use the phrase “make it happen” like Tim Gunn uses “make it work” because I believe that I can and if it is in my sphere of influence or control, I prove myself right.
• I have been rocking a natural since before Macy Gray and her raspy voice made it socially acceptable.
• I let my freak flag fly so proudly that my brothers don’t mind being seen as different. In fact, they wear it as a badge of honor knowing what others deem “weird” will be awesome when the time come and they will be ahead of the curve.
• Two children in need have new shoes because I buy Tom’s. (Well, I have actually only bought one pair, but they have been on their last leg for quite a while and my sister Stevie bought me new ones this Christmas and is begging for me to burn the old ones.)

Out with the old and in with the new! Please take note of the buttons, they are  for both fashion and function as they are a super cute way of covering up holes. I also didn't realize that my shoes weren't gray anymore...

• Teen convicts don’t scare me as much as they should because I spent six years doing juvenile prison ministry.
• What most people would reject as fashion “don’ts” prove to be fashion forward because when I wear it, I just act like it looks good.
• I have started more parties than I can count.
• Because of my loud obnoxious laugh (that has since been tamed…mostly), Adam Sandler stopped a press conference to make fun of me and took time to meet me afterward. I have a picture to prove it and everything!
• When I was 20, I met Julie Andrews and took the opportunity to tell her how much she meant to me. I told her that I watched “The Sound of Music” almost everyday while doing my homework and that she inspired me to pursue musical theatre in college. Even though I am sure she’s heard it before, she thanked me so politely and it felt great to be thanked. I will never stop being grateful when receiving a compliment and even though I had been taught manners by my mom a long time ago, Julie Andrews reminded me of its importance.
• My family includes young men I used to serve when I worked in a group home a while back. It means so much that I can still check in with them and see how their lives have turned out. One of them just turned 21 and he won’t let me forget that I owe him a beer the next time I am DC.
• On my birthday, I ran into my high school boyfriend and he told me that I was the one that got away and he still loves me. I had to remind him that it has been a long time since we were 18 years old and I don’t (or care to) remember 18 year old me and he really should move on. I feel bad, but as someone that knows how to hold a torch for someone, it felt good to know that someone was holding a torch for me. The fact that he has been holding it for fifteen years makes it a bit awkward, but we don’t have to mention that…
• On my 22^nd birthday, I got the best news: I had been accepted into an AmeriCorps program called City Year! I spent 2002 serving high school students on the west side of Chicago and even though I was young and full of naïveté, I know I made a difference.  I learned so much about myself and others because I allowed myself to be uncomfortable (in a healthy way) for probably the first time in my life. That experience stretched me in so many ways and looking back, I would probably be a holier than thou dud today had I not been challenged then.
•  My sense of adventure has allowed me to grow. I have always had a desire to go off the beaten path and though it sometimes may result in twisted ankles, it always results in my learning how far I can push myself and of how much I am capable.
• I can’t help but serve others and make new friends. I always leave mission trips (domestic and international) with new friends that have made their way into my heart and am always blessed to know that they have improved my life more than I could have hoped to improve theirs.
• My life is lived as if I busted out of the box. Others find it impossible to pigeon hole me into a category as I can’t be described as any one thing. I mean come on; I am a black girl from the city that lives for country music! I have said it before that I am equal parts Ch-Cha DiGregorio and Patty Simcox. On any given day I can be Carrie, Charlotte, Samantha or Miranda and on a good day I am all four!
• My sign language skills, though they are limited come from four summers of working at a camp for adults with special needs almost nine years ago. Some of the relationships I made there have become the most important in my life. I was maid of honor in CJ’s wedding, a sponsor to Lisa when she was confirmed in the Catholic Church, I still check in with Kim, a high functioning camper, through letters. Seth is my son’s father and CJ drove like a mad woman from college to be by my side when I gave birth.
• I love myself. Though I struggle with this sometimes, it is true 95% of the time. This was a hard one feat that I was sure I would lose as self doubt was often in the lead showing its dominance through eating disorders and self mutilation, but in the end I was victorious. Before I moved to Terre Haute, I was at a funeral where I saw old friends from an incredibly hard time in my life and they could not believe how healthy I was and how much I had grown. It was the first time I saw how screwed up I was. Instead of seeing the tired look in their eyes as they prepared themselves for dealing with my crazy and attention seeking behaviors (me? Never!), I saw relief. Then joy. Though we were together for the first time in years because a sad occasion, I was glad to be there for them to see me as I am now. Not many people win a battle as fierce as mine or well as I did, but I made it happen. I am so blessed and so proud. And I love myself.

33.

That is how many years it has taken me to become me: super blessed and super awesome.

The first 33 years of my life though they have had many disappointments and heartaches, have not ceased to be amazing and I welcome the challenges that are to come.

I am glad for where my experiences have brought me and I can’t wait to see where I end up when I turn 34 whether I am married or not…I just may need to be reminded of that from time to time.

The Andy Series, part 7

12.20.2012

Trix told me that I shouldn’t unfriend Andy on Facebook.

She reasoned that if I happen to cross paths with him again (which is entirely possible), I would have to do the awkward re-friend. So I will just have to restrain myself from checking his page to see what he is up to and wondering why he hasn’t called.

Though I may never see him again, I am very glad to have met him and that we had that weekend.

Andy really changed things for me: I have to be beautiful to the man I end up with. I can’t shake the way Andy looked at me, I still feel the blood rush to my cheeks when I think about the way he looked at me.

I don’t know if he got anything out of the experience or even thinks of me.

Or if he has a blog where he’s written “The Lainie Series” where he berates himself for being  too chicken shit (or too stunned by my awesomeness) to call.

All I know is that I will be fine. Sister Felicia says that I am always fine, I just don’t know if I will ever be OK.

This is getting hard, but I am going to take time to really be at peace with my seat in life for the moment.

Eventually, everything will be OK. 

The Andy Series, part 6

12.18.2012, 1133p

Andy is an asshole.

I am well aware of how difficult a time this must be for him, though I am sure a text of acknowledgement of my phone call or even the fact I sent cookies couldn’t be out of the question.

Sassy was super supportive and let me unload my frustrations about everything and I realized that I am not really angry with him; I understand that life is hard, but I am disappointed in him because this is kind of shitty and not at all like the Andy I met three weeks ago.

I really want that Andy to call. 

The Andy Series, part 5

12.17.2012, 927p

I hadn’t received a phone call from Andy yet, so I checked the delivery confirmation the minute I got home and found out the package was undeliverable (no apartment number L) and now the cookies and the CD are on their way back to Terre Haute. Sad that he won’t get the cookies, but kind of glad he won’t be hearing One Direction from me anytime soon.

I called him (I know, that broke my rule—but who are we kidding, I am a rule breaker!) and there was no answer so I left a message telling him that he is missing out on my Christmas cookies and I hope that he is having a great Advent. I tried so hard not to ramble and I am sure that I did. At least I didn’t pull a Monica and say “I’m breezy!” at the end of the message.  I don’t know if he will call back, but he has until this time tomorrow not to be declared an asshole.

I will let you know what happens.

The Andy Series, part 4

12.14.2012

Yea, so this is awkward…

I was in the shower and One Direction’s “You Don’t Know You’re Beautiful” came on and I got excited (because, yes, I channel my inner teen far more than anyone should care to admit) and I thought about Andy and his possibly getting his package today.

I put that song on his CD to put a smile on his face because it always puts one on mine.

And then I heard the words.

Yea…I am pretty sure that I am not going to be getting a phone call anytime soon.

I am also trying so hard not to anticipate his reaction when he gets my package. I check the delivery confirmation every chance I get and still nothing. I just hope that it gets there soon enough so the cookies don’t get super hard.