Crash and Burn

Brad and I have been getting closer and you might say the flirting has been getting a bit more intense. We still talk close and giggle, but we've added arms around each other and hands on each other's waist. He even mentioned writing me a song as a result of a random Facebook flirt-fest. So yeah, things are going well.

The girls (Trix, Stacy, CeeCee and Prue) have taken to fake barfing because we are oh so cute! Trix and Prue even did an awkward make out pantomime in front of us (but out of his line of sight) and I had to walk away because I was laughing so hard. Everyone (and I mean everyone) thinks that we are the cutest and that there is a good shot that this may extend a bit past the show ending this weekend. 

Last week I made him a shirt that said #bradswag written in Sharpie. We have a joke that his character is kind of a ho and has swagger (or so he thinks) and it has taken a life of its own backstage and is now known as the "Brad Swag."

Anyway, I was a bit nervous it would make me seem kind of clingy so I almost didn't give it to him, but he liked it! You should have seen him grinning from ear to ear. I felt so proud. 

He actually liked the shirt so much that he had one made for me at a shop to match his and on the back it says "I'm A Swag" and I love it (though I am not sure that being a "swag" is necessarily a good thing and Stacy says I have been branded).I showed it to anyone and everyone who has a pair of eyes and now people say "have you seen my shirt?!" to me in lieu of a greeting.

I am in seventh heaven.

Or at least I was until Tanqueray swooped in.

It was kind of starting at our pick rehearsal in between weekend shows, but I didn't really think anything of it, Brad is friendly with everyone. Also, I knew that as much as I talked and gushed about him, I knew in the back of mind that we weren't going to be anything real and that he was just flirting and really, I just wanted to make out so as long as that happened eventually, I would be just fine.

Then, he definitely changed the game with that shirt. It made me change my mind about what I wanted could happen between us and it made Tanqueray work harder. Damn!

She's a nice enough girl, that Tanqueray (you know, despite her unfortunate name). A hell of a lot closer to Brad's age than I am and she's cute. She seems like she is kind of privileged and it is apparent that her family treats her like a princess, so she is probably used to getting what she wants. And she has decided that she wants Brad. 

Brad, being a guy obviously liked the attention and he shifted gears. He flirted with her at the cast party while I hung out with Trix and Company until he found me and shifted his focus once again, leaving Tanqueray clamoring for his attention while he was sitting on my lap and asking me to a concert. What the fuck?

It was a very frustrating night and things were starting to get messy. 

And Brad was taking the swag a little too far.

Marcus, another friend (and my stage son), talked to him the next day and told him how incredibly inappropriate he felt his behavior was with Tanqueray and explained the he wanted to punch Brad in the face because of the way he treated me and that he should talk to me whether he likes me "in that way" or not. 

Basically he told him to man up and that was when I knew if I talked to him about any of this after we wrapped the show that our conversation would consist of "I'm flattered, but..." and I really can't have any more of those conversations. For real. I don't think I could physically handle any more romantic rejection in my life. 

He didn't man up. He barely talked to me and when he did, he was formal and his hands were in his pockets and to make matters worse, most times I saw him after wrap he was with Tanqueray. Someone wise once said "be wary of crooners." I should have listened and now it's Eddie Fisher all over again.

So I didn't say goodbye. 

I am not sure if that was the right thing to do, but I had a small work issue to deal with, I was holding back tears; I was feeling a little embarrassed and self conscious about how things just ended and didn't want to be there anymore. I also didn't want to go over to him and have our goodbye be a production that people would comment on later. Instead, I told the girls and Marcus a quiet goodbye without hugs so I wouldn't draw attention to my leaving and left. 

I should have said goodbye. I know that now, but there is nothing I can do to change it. He is probably relieved that he didn't have the awkward "I just wanna be friends" conversation with me and we all know that would have been total crap! He got called out and decided to retreat.

The one thing that upsets me most is the fact that I KNEW this was not going to work. I knew back in August that he was just a pretty face. I never thought I would actually have a real conversation with him let alone a showmance! I knew this wouldn't work out and that I shouldn't get my hopes up. But he made me change my mind.

He’s the one that intensified the flirting; he’s the one that didn’t let go when we hugged. He’s the one that kept his arm around me longer than would have been friendly. He’s the one that sought me out EVERY SINGLE TIME. He’s the one who had a shirt professionally made to match the one I made him. He gave me his council ring for goodness sake!

That last one was a joke/flirty thing that Prue and I gushed over for an entire rehearsal, but it was a great moment nonetheless.

Because I couldn’t let it end with my sneaking out, I messaged him on Facebook:

Me: Hey! I had a small work emergency. Sorry I left without saying goodbye, but I didn’t see you! (Side note: this is not entirely untrue as I didn’t look in his direction as I was leaving…)

Brad: That's ok. Gotta do what you gotta do. The last several weeks have been a pleasure to experience. Glad I got to meet so many new people. But they say every good thing must come to an end!! See you around!!

Me: You too, Brad

I think that may be how it ends and that is the part that makes me a little sad. I actually want to know what is going to happen in his life. Without realizing it, we actually became friends. In the midst of all of our barf-inducing backstage flirting, he shared some things with me that were personal and we found we have the same corny sense of humor and sometimes share the same brain. I am going to miss him and even though he was wrong about the whole Tanqueray thing, I was wrong too.

The way I ended things on my terms wasn’t exactly right and from what I have learned about Brad over the last few weeks, my ignoring him and leaving without saying goodbye broke a trust and I am pretty sure I won’t get the opportunity to repair it.

Though I am sure I will be OK about it and move on from this experience, I am at this moment a little embarrassed that I treated him that way. He deserved more than that from me, I am a better person than that jealous girl that walked out of the theatre this evening and I am a little mad at myself for letting her win.

I started this post ready to give all the blame to Brad  for the crash and burn, but now I know I share it.

I really do hope that I will see him around.