...Smile Because It Happened

It hurts re-entering the atmosphere.

That is why space crafts take precautions and over prepare for that moment. You know, so they don't explode. A luxury not afforded to those involved in community theatre who have been hit with their reality that has been suspended for about two months.

And it was in waking up this morning that I realized the world seemed a bit off and I was dragging my feet all day mourning the loss of…something. I had to wonder, "What the hell just happened to me?"

In my attempt to answer that question, I had to think about the person I was exactly two months before: I was coming up on my one year anniversary in Terre Haute not thinking that I have had a ton of amazing positive things happening. If you remember, I was feeling stuck and didn’t really know how to remedy that. The day after auditions, I started Turbo Fire again, determined to make it all the way through like I did with Insanity thinking I would have a better chance at being more positive with endorphins and a hot body on my side. I was in need of a spiritual rejuvenation because my negativity was having an effect on my faith life. I had also attempted online dating which was quickly nixed because I know all of the eight  men it showed in my area and there was no way I wanted to pay for a service to try and date men that haven’t asked me out in the first place.

I never expected that this would be a life changing experience when I set out for auditions that Sunday afternoon. I was trying super hard not to get my hopes up about getting a part, but somehow show them I was a shoo-in for the role Queen Latifah played in the movie.  I wore a super cute outfit with leopard print peep-toe stilettos to let them know I was both stylish and fierce and I chose to sing "You'll Never Walk Alone" from Carousel with gospel flair so I would be more likely to stand out. All of that was fine, except even though I remembered all the words, I completely forgot how the song went.

I. Am. Awesome.

I got through the audition OK, I read well, I danced my ass off in my stilettos and much fuss was made about the fact I moved so well in them. I was proud and I was definitely hoping my spunk would be enough to get me cast.

And it was!

Though it was not for the role I wanted, I thought it would be a lot of fun because there were a lot of cool one-line solos and absolutely no lines! I was also so excited to be a part of something in this town that didn't involve my job.

About a week into rehearsals, the girl who was playing the role I initially wanted (also named Lainie-crazy huh?) decided it wasn't for her and being the amazing, selfless person I am agreed to take over the role, you know, for the good of the show.

Now to understand how amazing it was that this was all happening to me, I have to take you back to the Fall of 1996 and introduce you to Nina Montenegro.

Nina Montenegro was the Rachel Berry to my Tina Cohen-Chang. I was the music rival she didn't acknowledge as such. Since our freshman year she was groomed to be the big star and she could do no wrong. I was primarily on the theatre track in high school while she did music so junior year when I decided to do both, people started to take notice.

Because we went to an all girls high school, we didn't really complete for boys (except when the musical came around) so everyone competed with academics or in their talent area more than any other teenage girls.  Because I added music to my interest, I officially became competition for Nina...well, at least in my mind. She still got all the solos I wanted, even though everyone thought I was robbed when she got the Midnight Train to Georgia Solo over me. (No, I'm not bitter...).

 My mom wouldn't let me do the musical my senior year (still kinda pissed about that) so she got the lead, even though I knew I had a real shot  Anyway, my junior year was spent with her getting every single song I wanted and not having to try out. I didn’t want the same to happen for senior year, but I knew it was inevitable.

 I just focused on making show choir awesome (also like in Glee we weren't appreciated) while she was in the more exalted Chamber Singers choir. Show choir did get awesome and everyone started to like us a ton and we were being requested more than the other choirs.

Yep, we were making it happen so much that I earned a spot in Tri-M (the music honor society) and when I was inducted, I had to sing a solo and that was when it happened. That was when I (like show choir) got more appreciation and when everyone (including the choir director) realized that Nina was not the only game in town. That was when I got my share of solos and I even shared the cantor duties at our graduation. Though I wasn't exactly her equal in everyone's eyes, I became an "almost as good as" which was a step up for me and quite possibly hell for her, because I like to think that we both knew the truth.

I have always been one to make fun (or at least make snarky comments) about adults seeking emotionally corrective experiences, but I let all of that pass when my first thought after my first rehearsal when the cast first heard me sing and they clapped. A lot. I remember thinking to myself "Wow. THIS must be how Nina Montenegro felt all through high school."

Sick, I know. I promise I am a stable adult in my free time.

Besides providing a corrective emotional experience ( yes, I was second choice for this part, but I like to think they accidentally offered the part to the wrong Lainie and were secretly relieved when she had to drop out so I am going to let it count), I got some amazing relationships out of the deal.

Now that Izzy moved away last month and Shelley got married over the summer, I was kind of down two people (or I guess 1.5, because she still lives here)  to hang out with and Trix, CeeCee, Stacy and Prue have become my girls! I remember having “show friends” in high school and once it was all over, we would still talk, but we never really hung out after school or anything. I actually can’t find half of them on Facebook.

I was kind of worried that it would be the same with this group, but over the course of the show, we all (or at least most of us) went through some personal drama where we found ourselves leaning on each other outside of rehearsal. It was in the shift of our conversations going from how annoyed we were with something that happened in rehearsal to our real life away from the stage that I found new girlfriends.

They definitely had my back when all that craziness went down with Brad over the weekend, I mean Trix was ready to attack, CeeCee and Prue didn’t talk to him in solidarity to me and Stacy was ready to snark him to death, so clearly there is some ride or die action going on. Trix said it best the other day when she shared a photo on Facebook “The best time to make friends is before you need them.”

It could have been seen as a loss, but I did get a friendship with Brad out of the deal too. Yesterday afternoon I decided to take some action and at least get some closure for both of us whether I saw him again or not.

I sent him a messaged letting him know that Mona (my SUV) and I were coming to Paris, IL (just across the river and where he lives—also Lilly’s home town. Hi Lilly!) that night and we were going to talk. All he had to do was let me know when he was free and that he was not allowed to say no.

I have balls, right?

No. I was ready to pee my pants after I sent that message. I was not sure that I wanted to see him in person just yet. I just knew that I wanted to clear the air and ask his forgiveness for my part in how things went down.

I would love to tell you that I didn’t obsessively check my Facebook for new messages the rest of the afternoon, but let’s get real: I am a girl that needed to get something off her chest.

He finally called and put me out of my misery. We had a great conversation and both admitted that everything kind of got messed and we both apologized for our part. He told me in the nicest of nice guy ways that he was sorry for giving me mixed signals. (I told Trix about this later and she said: “Mixed signals? The only mixed signal he gave was that he wanted you to have his mixed babies!” Love you, Trix!)

We also agreed to be friends so we will have to see how that goes.

The last two months have been nothing I have ever expected to experience. I found out a lot about myself and exactly of what I am capable. I learned through my experiences on the stage that I am more talented than I realized. I always knew that I was a good singer and am a natural performer, but years of rejection and being second best have made me doubt my gift. Yes, I realize that Terre Haute, IN is not exactly New York City, but the praise I have received over the last couple of weeks, has made me more confident about the amount of talent I have. I even met a guy that keeps telling me that he has work for me and that I should call him and I really think I will.

Even though I felt like I was in mourning all day, I realize now that they were growing pains. I definitely grew in the past eight weeks and gained a better perspective on my life here—how long that will last, I have no idea.

In my relationships with the girls, I have let my guard down, a privilege only previously afforded to Sassy. It feels good to trust more people and to have more shoulders to lean on.

I even learned from my showmance with Brad: He’s Just Not That Into You is going to still be a bestseller when I have a granddaughter.

So, two months later I am still not dating (even though Ted was so happy to see me again and even happier that Brad and I are not dating), but I am sticking with Turbo Fire and Future Hot Body Lainie is starting to become a thing of the present. I also started going to daily mass again (sometimes with Trix), something I have missed doing since  moved here and even though we had a knock down drag out fight yesterday, God and I are doing OK.

The most important thing is through this experience, I no longer feel stuck. 

I have a lot more hope for the rest of my time here (however long that will be) and am ready to re-enter the atmosphere as long as it’s OK with Houston.