Expect A Miracle

I miss him at the most random times.

I was picking up beer for a movie night with Sassy when I saw a six-pack of Magic Hat and I laughed out loud.

Flashback to last summer, Ralph and I were sitting at Wolcott’s, and Jen (our waitress) suggested Magic Hat. I’d never heard of it before and was open to something new. I tried it, liked it and realized how strong it was. When Jen came back to check on us, I asked for another even though as I told her, it made me “feel like I had my own magic hat” and Ralph laughed about that for days.

When I saw the beer, I thought of that moment and how he always laughed the hardest at all of my stupid jokes. Even the ones that didn’t always make sense…like the magic hat comment. I felt, to him I was the funniest person in the world. As I chose and paid for my beer, I had this overwhelming sense of sadness and 

I began to miss Ralph.

The Ralph that was my friend.

I sat in my car and sent the following text:  Just saw Magic Hat beer in the store and I laughed out loud. Made me think of you and how much I miss my friend. Hope you are well.

Then I drove to Sassy’s and (surprisingly) succeeded in not crying

On my way there, I had to reflect on how and why I was suddenly at the point where I wanted to break the silence I put between us.

I was in West Virginia on a service retreat/mission trip with some of the teens last week at a place called Nazareth Farm. I have been there many times when I was in college and early twenties and that place is so special to me. It is an intentional Catholic community based on the cornerstones of simplicity, community, service and prayer. In addition to it being home, it is the place where I feel the most beautiful. Because we live in simplicity, I can’t wear makeup, or jewelry, or take more than three showers a week, so I am forced to see myself the way God sees me through my interactions with others and my own revelations.

 It is the place I ran to when I started to fall apart when Ralph told me he was going to the seminary.

The place where I met Annette and she told me about the job here in Terre Haute about 36 hours after I was praying and I felt God was telling me two things: 1. I had to let go of Ralph and 2. That I had to quit my job.  

It was in that moment that I had to trust that God had a plan so that I would be open to whatever new opportunity came my way…close to home.  When Annette told me about the job here in the Haute, I all but laughed in her face…then I sent my resume and cover letter the minute I got home.  There is a saying at the farm: Expect A Miracle. A year ago, I would have loved for my miracle to lead me to Ralph, but I am happy that it led me here.

Almost a year to the day I set out for Naz Farm, I was on my way to sharing the Farm with the teens I have gotten to know over the last eleven months hoping and praying they would be open to a life changing experience.

We had a good week. I had an amazing work group, survived about 20 bee stings (I swear they were tracker jackers…gansta traker jackers even!) and I met Pierce.

Pierce was a chaperone for another group and in a month’s time will be joining an order of monks. You should know that I absolutely heart monks! I went to a college run by Benedictine monks and they are some of the coolest religious I know.  So of course we had to become friends.

Actually, no. I tried avoiding him from the moment we arrived. He had that priest look about him and I could tell he wasn’t one, so I wanted absolutely NOTHING to do with him. He, on the other hand, had different plans.

He spoke first, offering to write my name on my cup and after that, sitting next to me at meals and during free time. I didn’t warm up to him until I found out that he was going into the monkery. Like I said, I love monks! I let myself become his friend and we even had a wonderfully dorky high five we did every morning and every night.  

Over the first half of the week, I could see how much he would thrive in a religious community and what a benefit he would be to others. I became excited for his next step as I learned more and about him and made a commitment to pray for him. It wasn’t until Thursday night that I let him become my friend. 

It was when one of the staff asked me about when and why I became Catholic. I love sharing my story and one day I may share it here, but people usually ask and I am happy to tell. With Pierce, I felt it was important that I tell him my story so I asked him to stay and hear it. It was that openness on my end I feel made him strike while the iron was hot and ask more questions about my life. It was when he asked me about my next step (vocation-wise), that I told him I was rebuilding. And then I told him about Ralph, including how I ended up here.

I told him that even though it really sucks sometimes, I am figuring it out and really digging the person I am becoming. I told him that even though I think about Ralph, I am not always sad about it and I am happy where I am.  And, as much as I don’t want to admit it, I have Ralph to thank for my life the way it is now.

Pierce looked thoughtful and little concerned and I apologized for being such a downer (wah wah) and he said that it was fine and he could relate. I thanked him for listening and he looked me in the eye and said “Lainie. I. Can. Relate,” I just looked at him and said “What? Did you not marry some poor girl?” I knew before he said “yes.”

It was probably only a few seconds, but it seemed like forever until someone spoke again and I am not sure which one of us did or of everything we said. It wasn’t long until some of the teens came into the room we were in and we had to interact with them and process everything that happened later.

For the next two days we talked when we saw each other but not again like we did that night. I couldn’t believe it that out of everyone in the world that would be coming to the Farm this summer; we were there the same week. I felt like we are the only two people in the world that give each other solace because our counterparts have either hurt or have been hurt too badly by the other for there to be any resolution free of bitterness or blaming. He was exactly what I needed now that I am a crucial point in my life where I am trying to find healing so I am not completely scarred when I finally meet someone. I know now that God has an amazing plan for Ralph and his gifts that don’t include me. And I think I helped him move into this next stage without feeling so guilty. I feel through me knows that  she (whoever and wherever she is) will be OK and even though the hurt is deep, it won’t last forever.

I caught him just before he left and told him that I even though I would probably never see him again, I was so blessed to have met him and he agreed. Then we hugged each other super tight; bonded by the inverse of a similar experience.  A week before I didn’t know him and I was standing there overjoyed to have met him and he became the most important thing about my week. He was the miracle I forgot to expect.

If it weren’t for my meeting Pierce, I wouldn’t have reached out to Ralph letting him know in my own way, that I am not as sad anymore.

Sassy and I were sitting down getting ready to watch the movie when he responded about half an hour later: I am, hope you are too.

I didn’t respond. Knowing he’s still out there is enough for me for now. I don’t know if there will be more texts or even actual conversation, I am just glad I was able to crack the door I closed six months ago.