Thursday, June 14, 2012

Breaking the Rules


I wish I were a Rules girl.

This would have probably gone better if I were a Rules girl.

I went out with Ted last night, we met up at the Barnes and Noble and literally walked through the bookstore for an hour and half (weird, right?) and then went to Copper Bar where he goes all the time and he is like Norm and all the waitresses know him. Our waitress last night is a Colt’s cheerleader and although he was just being a nice guy, he came off as creepily flirty. He even hugged her when we left! She was even a bit put off by it. I have no idea what is up with him sometimes, but I am fine whether he calls me or not.

I would definitely classify my night with Ted a fail. So much so that after Sassy left my apartment (she was reassuring me that I am OK and anyone would be lucky to have me yadda yadda yadda...) I immediate looked up The Rules book of nineties fame, downloaded and listened to the audiobook then confirmed my suspicion that I was dead in the water before the night even started.

There are 35 rules in the book that you have to follow to get a man or whatever and there were eight that applied to my situation with Ted:

Rule #1. Be a Creature Unlike Any Other
Rule #2. Don't Talk First (and Don't Ask Him to Dance)
Rule #3. Don't Stare or Talk Too Much
Rule #4. Don't Meet Halfway or Go Dutch
Rule #6. Always End Phone Calls First
Rule #7. Don't Accept A Saturday Date after Wednesday
Rule #8 Fill Up Your Time Before a Date
Rule #17. Let Him Take the Lead

I broke six of them. Maybe seven.

Let me break it down for you.

Rule #1: Be a Creature Unlike Any Other. Ok, I have this one down pat. Blessing or curse, I am definitely my own person and although it is not exactly what the relationships gurus meant, I am going to accept it as a win. I mean, they want me to be demure and mysterious. Me, demure? Mysterious? Not gonna happen. They are just going to have to settle for blunt and unpredictable.

Rule #2: Don’t Talk First (And Don’t Ask Him To Dance). Our phone conversation last Friday night definitely breaks this rule. I called him. I told him I was interested in getting to know him better and now he thinks he’s hot shit when in fact I. Am hot shit. The hottest in fact, but I didn’t give him the chance to realize that on his own. This was evidenced in the fact that when I arrived at the book store, he kind of was like “Oh, hi. There you are Lainie.” and went back to reading the jacket of a book. It was like I was the Perry to his Phineas. Actually, no. I felt more like Isabella, I think I even said “What ‘cha doin’?”  He just kind of expected me to be there and I don’t really think he was all that excited to see me. Probably because I put the ball in his court.

Rule #3 Don’t Stare or Talk Too Much. Biggest. Rule. Infraction. Ever. I didn’t stare, but I did talk. A lot. If you know me, you know that I am usually not at a loss for words. I can tackle just about any subject and I know a ton of useless information (I have a dream to be on Jeopardy one day). Once I arrived and Ted seemed indifferent, I went into girl mode and kept talking to get his attention. Talking with hopes that he was interested in what I had to say. Talking in response to whatever he said when I let him get a word in. I was aware that I was talking too much, but I had no control. I tried self-talk (“Shut the fuck up, Lainie,” I would say to myself every five minutes) and when that didn’t work, I was finally shamed into putting a lid on it. We were in the philosophy section and I was talking about something when mid-sentence, Ted handed me a book and said, “Why don’t you take a look at that.” I took the book, flipped through it, waited the appropriate amount of time excused myself and went to the bathroom and attempted to get a grip. I did much better when we went to dinner.

Rule #4 Don’t Meet Halfway or Go Dutch. We got separate checks.

Rule #6 Always End Phone Calls First. This happened a few weeks back and I am well aware of this rule and just as I was about to end the conversation, he beat me to the punch. I was still under the influence of vicodin so I am using that as my defense and he was calling to check in after my surgery so that was sweet of him.

Rule #7 Don’t Accept a Saturday Date After Wednesday. Our date was on a Wednesday, but I broke this rule big time. At about quarter to five I got a text asking what my plans were, I responded nothing and that was when he asked me to the bookstore and dinner. Actually, he told me where he was going and I could come if I “cared to join” him. I was there in half an hour. Wow, Lainie, you are incredibly hard to get.

Rule #8 Fill Up Your Time Before A Date. This is the one rule that I actually followed with no effort. See previous rule.

Rule #17 Let Him Take the Lead. I have a hard time letting anyone take the lead. I’m the oldest of five. I am always in charge. Ralph used to always remind me that he had to take the lead when we were dancing at weddings. Last night, when we walked up to the bar, I opened and held open the door. Ted looked a bit taken aback and had to remind me “Ladies first.” The sad part? I did again on the way out.

Epic. Fail.

I don’t know if I have it in me to be a Rules girl, but I know I have it in me to try. I don’t think I will get another chance with Ted and I am not sure if I want one, but I will have another chance to try it out.

I have a date with Vincent on Saturday night, but that is another story for another day.









Saturday, June 9, 2012

Ted: Revisited



Sassy and I were having dinner at Copper Bar earlier this week when she once again tried to start the Lainie needs to start dating conversation. I know this is stemming from the fact that she now has a man friend and doesn’t want to leave me out. Well, that and the fact I have a deadline set and I think she is trying to keep me in town.

I have been interested in some guys around here, but I am really having trouble. There was Ken, who volunteers with me and I feel I have made it clear that I would be more than interested to spend time with him outside of our usual setting.

Nothing.

There’s Billy that I think might like me, but I am not sure if i like him more than a friend. And I really like having him as a friend and though it is so cliche, I really don't want to ruin the friendship. 

Then there’s Ted. It keeps coming back to him doesn’t it? About a month ago I realized that I haven’t been entirely fair to him with comparing him to Ralph and all and writing him off. I think Sassy has known that for a while and waited an appropriate amount of time to try to get him back on my radar.

Ted, who I have been hanging out with for the last six months as a friend so now he knows what a (proud) nerd I am and not only accepts it, he embraces it! Ted whom every time I see for the last few weeks has had my attention because the more I get to know him; I find he really is a great guy. I feel bad for dismissing him just because of Words with Friends and I haven’t even seen him play it in a while.

So I have been revisiting Ted as an option on my own and apparently so has Sassy. She chose her moment to let me in on that when she couldn’t handle any more of my nerd talk while we out. Actually, she let on that she can’t handle my nerd talk period. She almost had a breakdown when I started talking about Thor. She made me text Ted on the spot and try to go out with him and discuss the merits of Joss Whedon directing the Avengers (awesome!) because she had no idea what I was talking about.

So I texted him and somehow it was decided that we would go see The Avengers together (both for the second time) and I was waiting to hear back about when. I left the patio and went inside for a second and who should I see? Ted.  He was there with CB and Bret and we both looked at each other like the cat that ate the canary and I got bold and asked him to come out to the patio before he left. He did!

We had a great time and we even invited some random stranger over who was sitting by himself.  Sassy was super pissed at me about that because she had to talk to him and he was a bit on the weird side but I was too busy flirting with Ted to notice…much.

Ted and I decided to go to the movie on Friday night (date night!) and I spent the rest of the week with butterflies in my stomach.

Around five o’clock on Friday, the butterflies were smashed.

He texted me about an hour before we were supposed to meet to tell me that our friend CB didn’t have plans and he (Ted) invited him (CB) to the movie with us. 

So, it wasn’t a date and whether he meant to or not, CB was living up to his name.

Is he even kidding me?
I for real thought we were on the same page!

On the plus side, I am glad that I knew well in advance. Can you imagine me trying to hide my disappointment? I stomped around my apartment for the next 45 minutes and decided that I was going to get popcorn now that it didn’t matter if he saw how messy I am with it. I also decided that I wasn’t going to paint my nails. So there!

Despite my disappointment, I had a pretty good time with Ted and CB. While we were walking back to our cars, I was trying to work up the nerve to follow Sassy’s advice that I tell him (in a flirty way) that I was looking forward to spending time him. Only him.

I was about to when I realized that I am chicken shit and so not in the mood to get let down easy.  After a few minutes of small talk I got in my car and just sat there and he got in his and drove away.

As I reflected on my state of chicken shittiness, I realized that it wouldn’t be so bad to be let down easy. I could deal as long as I know there are no misunderstandings and I could make myself clear. I could live with it as long I was honest with him. That is one thing I learned from the crap with Ralph: Be honest. Early and often.  So I called him and he picked up on the second ring.

Ted: Hello?

Me: Ted?  Hey, it’s Lainie. I mean, you know that. Anyway, I know you just drove away and I realized that I would kick myself if I didn’t tell you that I do enjoy hanging out CB and usually wouldn’t mind if he came to a movie; I was looking forward to spending time with you. Just you. I don’t know if you are “there,” and it’s ok if you’re not. I just want to make it CLEAR that I want to get to know you better.

(Pause. Probably only a second, but it felt like an eternity)

Ted: Ok…ok…ok…Well, thank you for making yourself clear. Many women don’t do that and I really appreciate it. (Side note: This is the part where I cringed, because all of my years of dealing with boys, I fully expected the next words to be something like: “I’m very flattered, but…” or “You are such a good friend, but…”) Well, Lainie, I would like to get to know you better too. Are you available next week?

Me: (picking jaw off the floor) I am totally free.

Ted: Ok, I will figure out something fun for us to do and I will give you a call.

Me: OK. Well, I will see you next week. Have a good night! Bye!

Ted: Bye!

And that. Is how you get a date in this town.





Monday, June 4, 2012

Deadline

April 1st, 2014.

That is my official deadline and I now have 22 months to see if I can achieve life goals by moving to Terre Haute, IN. It is then that I will have to make a choice about what happens next.

Last month, we got a new landlord and all four of us in the building signed new leases. Jumping at the chance to lock in my super cheap (even for Terre Haute rent), I opted for a two-year lease and on May 1st 2014, I am moving out of my apartment.

I know that I can renew my lease and (possibly) live there forever, but at some point I need to grow up and make my dreams come true. I am not afraid to admit that I want to get married, buy a house and have kids...lots of kids. I'm not trying to be a Dugger, but I am Catholic, so one a half kids won't due. I wasn't having any luck before, so maybe I will now. 

22 months seems like a long time, but funny thing about that, it was 22 months ago that I went to South America and tried to end things with Ralph the first time and it seems like it was yesterday. And here I am realizing that although I may not completely get over him, I can move on and be happy. I just need to get my ass into gear and make my dreams come true. 

April 1st 2014.

When all is said and done, please God, don't let me look like a fool.