Friday, August 30, 2013

Divine Mercy

I walked into my Holy Hour with the wieght of the week as I usually do Fridays at 1a.

Life and work on my mind and I feel like I am at the end of my rope. I am usually in a rush because I snoozed my adoration alarm more than I should have and pull up to the chapel praying that God will keep me awake for the next hour so Kay won't catch me sleeping like she has more than once. By the time I get there,  Hazel is ready to go and I feel a bit guilty that it is one on the dot. I sign in, grab a rosary and finally face the reason I am there.

Him.

My Lord and My God.

That is what my heart says when I see the Blessed Sacrament and I forget all it took to get me here. I just kneel before the altar and let my week fall away.

Today is no different. After having a stressful work experience today that threatened to ruin what was a pretty good week. An experience that made me wonder if this Faith of mine was something I could really grab on to when needed.  And if it was worth all the trouble.

When I got here, I didn't need wonder anymore.

I knelt before the altar and let my week fall away.

Now I sit here in awe if the power of God that allows Jesus to present to is in the Blessed Sacrament and my faith is tangible once again.

Saturday, August 24, 2013

One day. I'm gonna learn

I don't know when, but one day I will accept that I can't do it on my own.

Today's lesson involves a couch. Remember the (porch) couch I got from Maggie when I first moved here? Well, the time has come for it to leave my apartment!  Actually,  the time came when I was rearranging my apartment and cursing out Katherine Heigl and bought a new couch, but the old couch is SO DARN HEAVY!!! Sassy and I had a helluva time just sliding it to the other side of my apartment one night...indeed it was another (positive) rearranging fit.

Anyway, I was having coffee with a friend the other day and she mentioned that she didn't have a couch and I jumped on the chance to get it the hell out of my house.  Out damned couch, out!

That leads me to this morning where I decided I could move it and load it onto my friend's pickup truck he was letting me borrow...all by myself. You know me, stubborn as hell problem solver I am!

It's stuck.  The couch is stuck inbetween landings and it has no intention of leaving.  I believe it discovered it has squatter's rights and has taken up residence in my hallway.  This wouldn't be so bad...if my neighbors didn't have to leave to home to live their lives and stuff.

So now I am waiting for Roger. He was super excited to wake up this morning to get me out of an avoidable jam, but I am his hag and he will do anything for me. I should have just called him in the first place...

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Fakin' It

I am in a weird place. 


Have been since I had that break down on Isaiah's tenth birthday. I have been struggling in my confidence and self worth and really having a hard time not seeing myself as that really messed up, sad and confused 23 year old.


I realized the other day that I have been employing the "fake it 'til you make it" way of life. I have been doing a bang up job of faking it, but I don't know if I am gonna make it. Also, it is getting a hell of a lot harder to maintain. People are starting to notice the cracks and at some point I have to come out of hiding.


I haven't felt like myself in a long time and I have no idea what to do about it. By the grace of 

God I got through the month of May and I had mission trips all of June, but when July came around I kind of just gave up. 


I had the opportunity to face my demons, instead I just ignored them and wallowed. I don't know how exactly to get on track, but I plan to. 


I just need a little help.


Friday, May 10, 2013

Railroaded

Ok, one thing I haven't mentioned that much are the trains.  The trains are just AWFUL! I have been stuck at this train for a half an hour now. While I appreciate the downtime, my boss at the mall is going to start to get peeved if I don't show up to work soon. 

They always seem to show up at the most inopportune times, like when I am running late for work or a movie or when I have to pee.

As I sit here eating milk duds and listening to showtunes,  it doesn't seem so bad. I have the windows down and the weather's nice so I am going to enjoy the remaining moments of peace until I have to paste a smile on my face while helping last minute shoppers look for Mother's Day gifts. 

When I first moved here, I remember telling my teens that I have started to get "trained" all the time and I never know what to do. One of them turned bright red and said "No, Lainie, no! Who else have you said the to?"

"I don't know, anyone else I talk to, I guess. "

He violently shook his head and looked to his friend for guidance. Sensing my confusion he tried to explain in the most appropriate way that saying I get "trained" all the time is like telling people that I get gang-banged on a regular basis.

Poor guy. No kid should ever have to tell an adult that they sound like a slut.

I learned a new word that day: railroaded.

Looks like the train is moving so I will get on my way to selling moderately priced soaps...it is my calling for one more day.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Friends in Low Places

Prue wasn't taking no for an answer.

After spending an hour and half in my car trying to stop crying earlier tonight, I drove to Cheeseburger In Paradise to meet the girls for karaoke. I pulled into my parking spot and wiped frantically at my eyes  and decided that maybe I wouldn't go in tonight and was ready to head home when CeeCee pulled up right next to me.

She comforted me for a while and then agreed when I told her I was gonna go home. I asked her to get Prue so that I could see her before I left and that was my first mistake.

When she walked to my car, Prue looked like a woman on a mission and if I were smart, I should have hit the gas and I would for sure be spending an evening at home.

Prue had other ideas.

In the time it took her to walk out to my car, she had convinced CeeCee that the best place for me to be was with friends and like I said, she was not taking no for an answer.

Once inside, I did have a good time. It didn't take my mind off Isaiah and all the things going on with me, it did make me feel better.

We spent our time being karaoke regulars (which is much cooler than it sounds), complete with laying claim to songs, swooning over the group that comes in every week to sing boy band songs and commenting on the vocal improvement our fellow singers have made over the last six months.

By 10 o'clock, we were treated to the rhythmic stylings of an incredibly awkward girl that may have been drunk. Then we named her Drawkward.

I laughed for the first time in at least a week. And I laughed a lot.

I even played the part of Drawkward when her and some friends sang "Fantastic Voyage" while trying not to laugh. CeeCee wasn't so lucky. She cried her eyes out from laughing by the time I got back to the table.

By the time I got in my car to drive home, I had a smile on my face and I was singing under my breathe.

Though Drawkward helped, having friends that know what I need may have just made my week.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

I just wanna feel normal again

I have been crying or on the verge of crying for the last few days. Since Isaiah's birthday I have been falling apart more and more.

These two weeks are the worst.

Every year from April 29th until Mother's Day, I am a complete wreck. It takes so much work to function properly, but somehow (definitely by the grace of God), I manage.

This is the time of year that I relive EVERYTHING. I don't try to, the memories just keep flooding back and in an instant I am 23, post-partum, feeling abandoned and looking for a clue as to what comes next.

I still looked pregnant a week later and I remember waiting for a bus when a man asking when I was due (rude!) and I broke down crying and told him about Isaiah, the adoption and the stupid cow of a nurse that made me carry him out. When the bus came, he didn't get on. I don't blame him.

I was in Target with friends when I started lactating and I had a melt down as they frantically searched for boob pads.

I didn't think I could take anymore of this.

I remember wanting to end it, but I couldn't bear what that would do to Isaiah once he was old enough to understand. 

The day I had to sign over my rights,  Isaiah was a week old. The clerk explained to me in everyway she knew how that this was irrevocable. That no matter what the Strides has promised,  I would have no rights to Isaiah and Illinois does not recognize open adoption agreements.

I will admit that it felt like hours until I signed the papers,  but once my pen left the paper, I remember feeling like I would survive this.  I didn't know how or when, I just knew that I would.

When the day comes when I can say that I have, I will let you know.

Looking back,  I know I have come incredibly far. Little by little I have been able to move on with my life.

Moving to Terre Haute was a huge step because I have never been more than 45 minutes away from Isaiah and his family. I lost touch for a while,  and I felt both miserable and free not being someone's birthmom even for a little bit.

Though I have no regrets, it sometimes cripples me that I can't shake this title and I am pretty sure my self esteem won't recover from the hit it took while earning it.

I am always going to be Isaiah's birthmom. Though I am in no way ashamed of him, I am still ashamed of me. In my mind I am always going to have to live down the decisions I made almost eleven years ago. 

Don't get me wrong, there are times when I am fine. When I can talk to him on the phone or visit without falling apart. There are times when I can share my story with more peace than I know what to do with.

This is not one of those times.

I know I am not in a good place.

This place is as dark as it is cramped. Only room for me and Jesus, he'll lead me out when I'm ready.

Just pray for me.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Playing Catch-Up Part Two

After my Christmas in New York, my family and I hopped on our much delayed flight back to Chicago where my Uncle and Mona were waiting for us at Midway.

Before heading home, I made sure to visit with Sunny. We walked around my old neighborhood and went to Starbuck’s (my Starbuck’s!) and the boutique where I used to work. The owner was there and we caught up for a bit and I bought a t-shirt, a funky ring and a poster with the map of Paris (kind of obsessed with Paris right now) and he gave me a discount! Yep, gays love me!

Sunny and I got a chance to catch up and we talked about the holy homework I received from Sister Felicia and how long I was gonna wait to get it done. Peter joined us not too long after that and we proceeded to spend way too long catching up and being ridiculous meaning I was not gonna get back home until close to midnight.

I made the journey back to my Hoosier home and started thinking about my day with Sunny and Peter, how much I miss having them, how much I miss having a boutique within walking distance and the soothing rumble of the brown line train in the distance.

I miss it. A lot.

But I really can’t see myself moving back.

While driving, I realized that while I wasn’t looking, I have made Terre Haute my home and I though I didn’t have Sunny and Peter and boutiques and a Starbuck’s that was mine, I do have Sassy, my girls from the show and Mark. I am making new memories with them and though we all can’t read each other’s thoughts and know what’s going on with just one look, I have a feeling that we’re getting there. I also knew that I had my girl’s at the Gap and while I know it is not a boutique, they know me by name, put things aside they knew I would like and give me discounts whenever they can.

And I have a Java Haute that is more mine than the Montrose Brown Line Starbuck’s ever was.

I live here now and I really am OK with that.

Flash forward four months: I do officially live here. It took me a year and a half, but I (finally) got my Indiana driver’s license yesterday. So yes, I am a Hoosier now. But don’t worry, I will try not to assimilate too much…well, I am selling Thirty-One and I don’t wear heels as much. Umm…is it too late to get my Illinois license back?

Love you, Chicago, I just can't keep you!
I spent the drive home trying to figure our ways to make Terre Haute awesome so that I would actually consider staying here long term (more long term than the original two years I gave myself) and all I could keep thinking was add a Target and subtract one Wal-Mart.

Though it was late, the drive home was good. I listened to the Blogess’ audio book (hilarious), did some reflecting and even decided to do my holy homework.

Yep, I called Ralph and asked him to meet me for coffee for the next time I was in town.


Tuesday, April 30, 2013

April 29th


I have been thinking about him all day.

I probably shouldn't have taken the day off of work, but being around people too much sometimes makes it harder. They notice when I am not upbeat and it is so much damn work to be chipper all the time. I knew that I needed to get out, so that's why I agreed to do CeeCee's Thirty-One party today. I would be surrounded by people that didn't know I was working hard to be chipper instead of wallowing in my apartment. Alone.

I almost didn't call him, but I did. Sassy and CeeCee both made sure that I understood that I HAD to call him. 

I was never going to not call him, I sometimes hesitate...this time I waited until it was 7:27p Illinois time and when the machine picked up, I was super chipper when I said:

"Hey guys this is Lainie! I'm calling because I am sure that someone in that house has a birthday, but I can't think of who at the moment. Well, I am going to need to figure it out, but if you figure it out before I do, make sure he gives me a call back. Love you all!"

I cried a little once I hung up the phone. 

This day will always be the most beautiful and the most painful part of my existence.

Today is Isaiah's birthday.

And ten years ago I gave birth to him. At 727p Illinois time

I still remember that day like it was yesterday...well most of it, I may have been on drugs.

I was admitted to the hospital the day before; they were inducing labor at 38 weeks because apparently I was ready. I didn't know any better, I was just happy that there was an end in sight... 

My pregnancy was hard. 

Not physically, even though I should have taken it easier, but emotionally. It was literally the lowest point of my life. I had to leave school, I didn't have support from my mom and she told me that I couldn't tell my family or live with her so I had to move to Huntington, IN (Terre Haute, you were not my first Indiana residence!) where my best friend CJ and her college friends were in need of a roommate for their last semester of college. I didn't have money or a job and I was disconnected from my family  because even though I was 23, there was still some shame involved

I moved back to Chicago a few weeks before the birth because I had to deliver in Illinois because of the adoption laws so I was probably the most pregnant Nomad since the Ancient Hebrews! I slept on friends’ couches and in their dorm rooms. I remember being excited to go to the hospital because it meant I would sleep in an actual bed!

Like I said, my pregnancy was hard.

Lola arrived at the hospital first, then my mom, then my friend Grace and then CJ. She drove the three hours to be there "to catch the head!"

I endured twenty-four hours of labor and I was kind of miserable...though I do remember having some fantastic drugs!

It was about 6p when they ruled I needed a C-Section. I know it was 6 o'clock and that it was a Tuesday night because I remember looking at the clock and thinking. "If they do it now and hurry, I can be back in this room in time for Buffy!"

Yes, I have always been a fangirl. I've been one since before it was cool!

Needless to say, they took their sweet time and I did not make it back in time to see Buffy. Not that I would have been cognizant of the vampire slaying after the surgery anyway. 

It makes me smile when I think about the minute I first heard him cry. I was so high that ten seconds before I was asking if they had started cutting! That was all I needed as my answer. His cries. 

Lola ended up being my person to catch the head and her eyes were full of tears as she showed me my baby boy. 

I loved him in that instant. I told him so right then and there.

And promptly fell asleep.

The days in the hospital that followed were a blur. I remember some things and that I had visitors and my mom kept saying inane things like "He's so cute, Lainie. Can't we keep him?" Right Mom, the whole reason I made an adoption plan for Isaiah was my resistance to raising an ugly child. 

I know the Strides (Isaiah's adoptive family) were there everyday and we made our departure plans. We got legal papers drawn up so they could take him first and I wouldn't be required to hand him over at the hospital curb, but we had a nurse that was convinced that I was placing Isaiah under duress and got her supervisors to back her when she decided that I would have to in fact be wheeled out of the hospital, babe in arms and hand him over when we reached the exit. Stupid cow!

The most excruciating ten minutes of my life. I don't ever remember crying so hard in my life. I almost didn't hand him over. The only thing holding me back was that I was essentially homeless and my entire family didn't know about the pregnancy, so it would take a lot of explaining if I showed up at any of their homes with a baby and no way to support the two of us.

So I let Lynn take him out of my arms and I will never forget the way she tentatively leaned over, kissed my forehead and said "Thank you, Lainie." 

I didn't say anything back and I am not sure I would have said "you're welcome" had I responded. Had I thought about it at the time, I would have thanked her too. She and Mike were giving my son and I a chance at a better life that I would have not been able to provide at least for a while (probably not until now) and her insistence at having an open adoption allows me to leave messages for him on his tenth birthday and help serve the cake and ice cream on his first.

Isaiah knows me and I know him.

Today is hard, but I am so blessed to have it.

Saturday, April 13, 2013

Last Night At Denny's


When I was attended college, my friends and I would always go to this diner called Omega, order an insane amount of food that was no good for us and take up a table for hours where we would talk (loudly), laugh (obnoxiously) and (usually) everyone would get a turn talking about their issues and the group would attempt to figure out how to help the others. The group of people that went over the years would change (sometimes from week to week), but we always had our constants.

There was our friend, Liz who always had a crazy spell with an ex or a guy who was about to be an ex.

Manny, who was the sweetest effeminate non-gay guy that spent most of college pining for his ex and wondering why girls didn’t like him.

Cassandra, our sane friend.

Then there was me (of course), that was always dealing with a non-relationship with someone that was potentially gay.

Last night felt like I was in college again.

It started out like a pretty normal Friday night, CeeCee and I met up with Darcy (we are kind of friends now, I somehow managed it after Chaps-gate) because she wants us to join her direct selling business. Afterward, we met up with CeeCee’s girlfriend to see a play.

It was pretty hilarious, some people that were involved with our musical were in it and it was good to see old friends. I haven’t seen some people in months and I got called skinny!

I could have ended my night right there perfectly happy, but Prue was having a bad day and we were all kind of hungry so we decided to meet her at a Denny’s (black people!) and lend an ear.

Prue, now playing the role of Liz, proceeded to tell us about her afternoon dealing with an ex that turned out not be as amazing as we’d originally thought…so she took the dog. Her dog, not his…but now she had to figure out what to do with the dog.

Thankfully, there was a solution to some of the craziness and we were all able to laugh (loudly and obnoxiously) at the situation and offer sage advice on her dealings with the current guy. We like him and want him to stick around…we’re just hoping there isn’t any joint custody of dogs just yet.

We didn’t have a Manny, but we did have a Cassandra, whose role was played exceptionally well by CeeCee.

She’s always been our voice of reason so it makes sense that she would be the sane friend out of all us. A few months back, when Stacy and I were ranking our group of friends according to how well we managed our crazy around others (because we all have crazy); CeeCee was number one with Stacy a close second. Me? I was third. Smack dab in the middle of the five of us…but no where near as sane as CeeCee and Stacy were.

Anyway, CeeCee is the sane one that shows her love through her honesty and helping us reign in our crazy when we get dangerously close to the edge.

Her calming voice tone and lasso of truth were used on me last night.

The girls are kind of worried about my (non) relationship with Roger. To be fair, I am pretty sure everyone in my life is worried about my relationship with Roger.

It is gonna take some time to get into what the last three months have been like and Roger fits in there. All you need to know right now is that he is my person.

I got incredibly vulnerable after my apartment was robbed and my conversation with Ralph. After holding him (somewhat) at arms length for the first couple of months, I let my guard down and now I depend on him…a lot more than I should.

Oh, you should know that he’s 20.

And bi.

Once we sat down, she checked in with me once again about our relationship status and gave me her look when I told her we were just friends.

She and Prue started the invention. Well, I should say picked up where we left off with Stacy last Friday night. I believe the Intervention to be a recurring event that will not end until the relationship between Roger and I ends or actually resembles a platonic friendship.

They are just looking out for me and I love them for that, I just need a minute to figure some things out and get my head on straight.

So yeah, I felt like I was in college again last night:

1. I am pretty sure we would have been kicked out of Denny’s due our noisiness.

2. We were eating like metabolisms don’t exist.

And 3. My friends were trying to protect me from a slightly dysfunctional relationship with twenty year-old potentially gay person.

Oh, I should let you know that I saw my first real live homeless person last night. One more thing I can be sure to find in a Denny’s!


Monday, April 1, 2013

Playing Catch Up (Part One of Who Knows How Many)


OK, I know that one day I will look back on all of this and realize God had a plan all along.

That I really should be patient and see all of this craziness for the test and character builder that it is and be ecstatic that I am being prepared for something wonderful.  

I just need to sit tight because it would really be a shame to leave 5 minutes before the miracle.

So, the time has come for a much needed update on my life and it will have to happen in parts because the last few months have been equal parts awesome and upsetting, so I will start from the beginning and do my best to get you up to speed.

Well, there was the conference and the disaster that never happened that we call Andy, I turned 33 and accepted my awesomeness and decided I would keep starting the party no matter what.

Some of my family and I went to New York to celebrate Christmas with my sister Stevie because she works for a national television station and can’t usually get days off around the holidays. We can’t bear not to see her so we all buy plane tickets and head east to cram into her Brooklyn apartment that she shares with a roommate all in the name of Jesus…and His birth.

We had a pretty fantastic time, we went ice skating in Bryant Park (so much cheaper and prettier than Rockefeller Center), had a fantastic Christmas morning where we all got tablets (I got an iPad!) among other gifts while still remembering the reason for the season, and my fourteen year old brother and I went to Times Square on Christmas night and took in the awesomeness!

I really love that we have this new family tradition and was sad all of us couldn’t make the trip this year. My sister Shay-Shay and her son couldn’t make it because she’d just gotten a new job and it was my (ex)

While I was in New York, I met up with an old friend from AmeriCorps that I hadn’t seen in a decade. It was kind of awesome seeing him again because looking back, I was kind of a freak (still am and super proud about it), but more awkward than I could ever explain. I mean, I could try, but I don’t think I would do it justice. Rob helped to rid me of some of that awkwardness just by being my friend.

Full disclosure: I totally had a mad crush…and I realize that you know me well enough to know that should have gone without saying.

My excitement could not be contained and found myself wondering how much ten years had changed us. When we knew each other, he was a cynical academic that thought he knew it all and I was…me.

I met him for a beer at a hole in the wall pub in Greenwich Village and it was like no time had passed at all. He was the same Rob…his hair was just longer and he was willing to admit that he didn’t know it all.  He said I was still the same Lainie and I thought he was crazy. I was all “What do you mean?! I was such a freak!”  He just shook his head and said there was nothing wrong with me back then which I just have taken to mean that letting my freak flag fly was totally working for me then just like I am making it work for me now.

We had a few more drinks and decided to brave the rainstorm and have dinner at a Thai place that was (somewhat) close by and talked and talked some more. We were the same Rob and Lainie, but ten years had changed us in ways we didn’t realize, we were wiser (Rob now knows that he doesn’t know everything, I now know the world isn’t made of marshmallows and rainbows.), we also were now aware of how far we’d come. I don’t know everything that happened in Rob’s life over the last decade, but I’m glad I know myself a bit better.

Meeting up with an old friend was able to remind me to keep moving forward and that I really shouldn’t focus on looking back until I come through the other side of whatever this is I am going through.


Saturday, March 9, 2013

The Return of Chaps…and other tales


So a lot has happened since I turned 33 and it has been two and half months since I have told you anything about my life.

Things have changed.

A lot.

Not all bad, not all good.

Just. Different.

Please bear with me as I try to make sense of it all, but until I do here are some bullet points about what to expect in the next few weeks:

·        I got home from my Christmas in New York to find my apartment ransacked and burglarized.
·        Ralph and I finally talked. He is still gonna be a priest and he never loved me.
·        I got my cookies back
·        I need to explain Roger…
·        I miss Sassy

This will make sense eventually. I started it so I could finish it, so just give me time

Oh! Chaps came to karaoke last Wednesday night. It was awkward at first, but then it wasn’t. 

Saturday, February 23, 2013

Lenten Renewal

OK, breathe.

We are about a week and a half into Lent and I am sucking at it!

Well, maybe not sucking, but it could be a lot better. If you remember, Lent is so much better than Advent as I am more hopeful and life is generally better in the Springtime. I haven't given anything up for Lent since college, instead, I make Lenten promises that make me a better person. There was one year I gave up being late and to keep me on track, I had to donate one of my things for every minute I was late...it got to be a real challenge after I'd gotten rid of the things I didn't particularly care for and I found my self getting ready for Easter Vigil with few options. The only thing that got better that year was my wardrobe...I had some snazzy new duds by Divine Mercy Sunday.

Holy shit! There was also the year I decided to stop swearing.

It didn't work.

There were some good years in there too, like the one when I was discerning the sisterhood and decided to include daily mass into my life. Best. Decision. Ever. I try super hard to make it 3-4 times a week and I can definitely tell the difference when I don't. Others can as well, they just don't know that I am crabby and off center because I've failed to get my Jesus on!

This Lent, I am striving for the ultimate Lainie personality improvement: I am finishing everything I start. If I start something this Lent, I am gonna finish it! I am even going to complete the things I my have started long ago and left by the wayside. That means my sister is gonna get that scarf, all the things in the corner of my office will find a home, my car will get cleaned (I started to a few months back and I think I will feel good about the accomplishment!), and no matter how long ago or irrelevant I may feel they are now, I will finish every post I started!

You dear reader, are in for a treat! I may not remember what message I meant to convey that one time I was stuck in line behind that guy, but for you (well, and Jesus), I will figure it out.

I don't know what this will mean for my self improvement, but this is one year where I really want to succeed.

Wish me lu-

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Arch Support

When I left the house yesterday morning, my plan was to go to a Zumbathon supporting the Humane Society with CeeCee and Prue, possibly going to Indy for lunch and maybe getting some laundry done.

It was not in the plan to drive to St. Louis.

I was on my way to Sullivan when I thought about how much I needed to get out of town and I very much needed my happy place.

St. Louis is that place.

When ever I tell people that, they are usually eager to talk about their favorite spots and ask where I like to go or they ask for tips for seeing the city. It is kind of awkward when all I can tell them is, "Umm...hanging out with Jenni is great!"

Whenever I needed to get out of Chicago, I would call Jenni and see when I could come visit and that would be that. There were even times when one of my assistants at my old job would say "Hey Lainie...it's been a while since you've been to see Jenni and her husband, hasn't it?"

Taking the hint, I was in my car the next day and immediately relaxed when I crossed the state border and saw the Gateway Arch.

Eleven months have gone by since my last visit and driving down I-70 in my sweaty Zumba clothes with an eighth of a tank of gas was the best feeling! I knew that this was exactly what I needed.

I needed to get out of town.
I needed no expectations.
I needed to be anonymous.
I needed to get back on track.

Hmm... I am not sure if Jenni knows it or not, but she is the one that sets me right. She's not tough love and confrontational, she actually quite the opposite (ask her about the paint!). I guess that when I am with her, I know she is not expecting anything from me. I know that we can veg out, go to Target (yay!) and our favorite bakery and have the best time. I know that when I am ready to tell her what's on my mind, she will listen and she doesn't give advice or input until she's ready which is about the time that I'm ready to hear it so it all works out.

I am not sure when it started to be that way, in college I was better friends with Moira who was her roommate (and ride or die for life), but since college Jenni and I were the better friends. I don't even know what level of friend to classify her, she's pretty much in her own category of friend because there is no one else in my life with whom she compares.

Just consider me blessed to have her and that even with almost a year since we've seen each other, we didn't have to play catch up. So that kind of friend.

Anyway, I am a lot closer to being back on track than I was six weeks ago and all it took was a quick trip Missouri where I got to snuggle with the cutest 18 month old, trade barbs with Jenni's husband, going to Target to buy new underwear and Ben Gay (Zumba injury), fall asleep on the couch watching Baby Mama and just be Lainie for the night.

Visiting actually made me wonder why I don't do it more. I mean, why not go to my happy place three hours away when it would stave off visits to the dark place that only come around when I am in the Wabash Valley for way too long?

Because I forget. Sigh.

When I remember, I don't mind that I find happiness in the town that should be a Cubs fan's worst enemy, the town actually doesn't matter much. I think my happy place will be wherever Jenni and her family call home.