Wednesday Nights

So  a group of us from the musical have started going to Cheeseburger in Paradise for karaoke on Wednesday nights. We attempted to go to Show-Me's on a Thursday once and I was kind of scandalized. Seriously! Those girls were dressing like their daddies didn't love them!

It shouldn't surprise you that I absolutely love karaoke! I get to sing my country songs to a crowd that is both surprised and excited that a black girl with a fro would sing Redneck Woman  or Sin Wagon  with abandon.

Prue has made it her mission to find me a cowboy. I am so glad that she gets me.

When we tried it out, it was because there were some underage people in the show that wanted to hang out with us and we didn't have many expectations, but we ended up having a blast.

A seriously awesome time.

I think we might have had a hand in starting the party as I was showing my dance moves from clubbing days gone by and the KJ was definitely impressed...though others were not.

There was an incredibly orange girl and a girl wearing a pink sweatshirt that was pissed. At first we thought that maybe the KJ was Pink Sweatshirt's boyfriend, but then we realized that maybe her and her friends were used to being the stars of the karaoke show that we totally crashed...but in an awesome way.

After a night of being awesome, we decided to enter the group karaoke contest (First-and only-prize was a $25 gift card!). Pink Sweatshirt sang with her friends and well as two other groups, then we got up and sang the finale song from our musical (CeeCee had the karaoke CD in her car!) and included the choreography! The place was going wild which was a surprise because we really thought that based on the reception form Pink Sweatshirt, everyone would hate us!

We knew we had it in the bag, but we still had to wait for everyone else to perform. While the last group was performing, the KJ walked over to us, handed us the gift card and said "Good job guys, when's the show?"

Yea...we were found out, but we still felt amazing!

We went the next Wednesday night all ready to spend our gift card joking about how we would split it between all eight of us when the KJ announced another contest that had nothing to do with music: This time we had to play a game where we guessed the TV show based on pictures.

Those poor contestants, not knowing Lainie Mac is a couch potato.

We won by a landslide and the KJ kept the contest going as a courtesy and made us sit out a round so that one of the teams had a chance to win a free drink as a consolation prize.

Pink Sweatshirt and her friends were not  happy campers even though I am not sure if her friend was red with fury or because her face is so orange, but I do know they were all pissed.

We had enemies the rest of the night, but because I am a grown ass woman and so are my friends, we just had to laugh at her rude looks and comments.

We played the game.

We won the game.

We enjoyed $50 worth of food.

She will just have to get over it.

She has enlisted her friends in hating us and it has gotten pretty annoying. Karaoke is about enjoying yourself and not taking yourself to seriously.

So now every Wednesday night we prepare ourselves for the snark that is to come when one of us takes that stage and we are entertained by their looks of distaste.

Mostly because we don't get it.

We are nice people. We pay our taxes and most important, we just want to have a good time.

So now we have become the regulars to the point where the KJ put me in the rotation before I even showed up last week so the moment I chose a song, I was all set to go.

I love that! I don't think he realizes how much it means for me to have a place somewhere and be a regular somewhere other than daily mass. (Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love getting my Jesus on everyday!)

I love being a part of a karaoke community and I don't care how dorky that sounds! Years ago, when I was a preschool teacher, a bunch of us would go out on Thursday nights and do karaoke at a local bar and just have fun. We all liked each other, we had regulars and people that just popped in and some people sang the same song every week and we loved it.

This is just more of me getting back to my normal...only better (don't tell the Hautian gods, I don't want them to think they've won).

Wednesday nights have become my favorite night of the week I look forward to seeing my girlfriends (and Marcus and Gil) and even the Pink Sweatshirt Posse, because it would just be weird if they weren't there. They aren't all that bad, Prue has a friend that hangs out with them and he's cool. Oh! They also have the most adorable little gay and  I am going to steal him away the very first chance I get. I don't think it will be so hard because he is totally into me.

And why not? I am Black Cher.

Well,  tonight we are celebrating Halloween at our favorite spot and there is another contest. A costume contest. The girls and I are excited and even though we would love to win, we are just going to have fun.

Besides, I won the contest last week and I am pretty sure I may get cut if I win another.

Lessons

The other day Lewis messaged me on Facebook.

We hadn't talked in a while and I it was good to see him pop up on chat. I was just kind of worried that he's read my original post about him and all the others that let me get away. He asked how I was and I asked him the same to which he replied : "AWESOME! I am in love!"

It's kind of a safe bet that he had not read my blog. Well, or he was just being an asshole, but he's not a bad guy so I'm gonna go with the former.

We had a nice chat, turns out he brought a ring, asked her parents for their blessing, made a dinner reservation and he is going to propose soon. I could just feel the giddiness as it made its way through cyberspace.

Then I understood. He had good news and he wanted to share it with his friend. Back in the old days, he could not get good news to me fast enough. I was always the first to know and the most excited. This time was no different and I had to smile.

After my congratulations, he messaged me back and said "you are an amazing person, you taught me so much about life, I pray you continue to walk God's path." He then went on to tell me he and his fiancee go to church together, something we used to do and he sometimes didn't see the point. I remember trying to show him the God in everything and asking him to trust God until I was blue in the face and sometimes I thought it would never take.

I am glad to see it finally did.

I found myself thinking about what Lewis taught me. And all I got was football. Football and how to keep score at a baseball game. Not bad things to take away from a relationship, too bad they will ensure I am one of the guys for life.

Sad thing is, Lewis was not my only student.

Thom was my upstairs neighbor and we met July 3rd, 2008. I know the date because I came to find my apartment had been robbed and after the police left, he walked me to the bar not far from our building and bought me a drink...or four.

He and I became friends quickly, we were always at one an other's apartments and we would wait until the other got home and we would spend every moment together until one of us got tired enough to go to our own apartment.

Then we started having sleepovers.

Before your mind goes there, they were legit sleepovers. We just slept in the same bed, not quite like Dawson and Joey (we actually touched), but we weren't "sleeping together." I have no idea how to explain it, but we were in some highly dysfunctional codependent relationship. He was an alcoholic and I was super vulnerable due to both Ralph and Barry drama and I really liked being held.

I knew that we weren't headed anywhere good so I decided that I needed to move and Thom did not take the news well. He yelled, cried, cursed and threw things. I mentioned that this would be a good opportunity for us to get some perspective and we would remain friends...just not as close. He had a hard time saying goodbye and we may have fallen into old ways over the next few months until everything came to a head when he told me that he loved me (I pretended that I only understood it to be just friends and he never corrected me) and then kissed me a month later after a friends wedding.

After the awkward kiss, we (meaning me) opted to hang out in public places and we would take the "L" to our own apartments and eventually we didn't stay in touch as much and blazed our own trail to stability. He really needed to get it together and I always had it in the back of my mind that if he wasn't quite so alcoholic we would actually have a shot, but I wasn't holding my breath.

Good thing too, he just got married and he seems super happy.

How? How did he get stable enough to get married when I was the one who was stable enough to end things? I don't get it and I am sure that I never will.

I was just talking to someone about this and she kind of mentioned that I am the embodiment of that push someone needs to get things together. That as failed and doomed as my past relationships have been, the guys get something out of it that helps them become better.

And I get nothing.

In retrospect, I got sports knowledge from Lewis,sympathy beers and company from Thom and a large bruise on my ass from constantly kicking myself from the five years I wasted on Ralph.

I guess I shouldn't feel so bad, I keeping worrying that there is something wrong with me and I realize that there is something a little too right.

Lainie Mac, here to serve.

Maybe what I get out of it all is the hard lessons to take me into my next awkward and screwed up non-relationship. This is like some weird relationship reincarnation life cycle that will eventually end with me having everything I need in place for when I finally meet "him."

Until that happens, this is my purpose.

I am the girl that takes your crap and sets you up for success with the one you're supposed to be with.
Lewis is getting married to the girl of his dreams.
Thom is married to the girl of his dreams.
And Ralph?
 Ralph is in a major bromance with Jesus.

Yep, I'm just that good.

Girls Night Out...ish

Last weekend Trix and I had a bona fide girl’s night out!

It started at around 10p when I met Trix at the Blu Katt Nightclub where we were going to hear a band that Trix likes. It turns out; it was the Mac Daddys...the same band I drunkenly attempted to try out for on St. Paddy's Day. I didn't think they would remember or even see me, so I still felt safe to go in and enjoy the show.

Well, the band was great, but my night in general was a bit more entertaining.

From the minute we walked into place, guys were checking Trix out, I have been in this situation enough to know that if any of the guys had enough nerve to talk to her, their friend would follow to distract me. (One of my best friends has always been the "hot one" so I know how this works) I just hoped that when the time came he didn't have a horrible mole or incredibly bad breath.

We ordered our drinks, talked about boys and waited for the band to come on while trying not to notice this guy wearing a pastel dress shirt inching closer and closer to Trix probably trying to get a conversation started. He didn't have a friend with him so this was definitely going to tricky so I was curious as to how he was gonna make this happen.

We listened to the band, got up and danced and, of course, I started the party in the nightclub. The band was every bit as good as I remembered from March and we were having a blast.

At the first break, we went back to the bar and ordered more drinks, and then Trix got up to say hello to a friend and Pastel immediately moved closer to me and said "Your friend's cute," I agreed and we struck up a small conversation and it made me tolerate him and I found he was pretty likeable. I found out he was there celebrating with a friend of his that came out to celebrate her divorce (the band announced it. This is Terre Haute, what did you expect?) He had a quirky sense of humor and very subtly highlighted all of the things he really wanted to brag about. He seemed like an OK guy and I was a bit confused about the attention that he was giving me because I was sure that he liked Trix and I was not interested. But whatever, I was happy to have someone to talk to and before long; he nodded over to Trix talking with her friend. "Who's that guy? Is that her friend or her 'friend-friend'?"

Oh. I see. He didn't need to come with a wingman. He was preparing me as his wingman. Well played, Pastel. Well played.

By the time she made her way back over to us, I was prepared to say “Haaaave you met Pastel?” We ordered more drinks, I told Trix Pastel was interested and then she spotted Fastcars.

Fastcars is. Well, I don’t know exactly know how to describe Fastcars, except that he is an insurance agent and he likes Trix and she likes him. The two of them keep having stalled starts and I was out with girls a few weeks ago and saw him out with a trollop carrying a lollipop.

I don’t think much of Fastcars and for the night I was team Pastel.

While Trix and I actively ignored Fastcars, Pastel was making his move and engaging her in conversation. After he bought us shots, Fastcars made his way over.

And that was when the pissing contest began. I decided to enjoy myself on the dance floor while Trix got drenched. I don’t know when, but eventually Fastcars went away and Pastel and Trix started to enjoy themselves on the dance floor. That was around the time I was trying to avoid my one admirer: a large shock-blond lesbian that kept finding her self next to me any time I was on the dance floor.

I don’t know why, but people always seem to think I am a lesbian. CeeCee, Prue and I were just joking about this the other day. I own several Indigo Girls cds, I know all the words to “Mouth,” I have been to a Melissa Etheridge concert…and enjoyed it, considered both being a vegetarian and a small dog mom and even though it is not a Jeep Liberty, I do drive an SUV.

Though I love women, I don’t love women and besides, I get along very well with gays so I can’t possibly be a lesbian.

Shock Blond didn’t know any of this, so while I didn’t have Trix as barrier, she made her intentions known while the band was singing “I’ll Take You There.” She got real close and what I can only imagine what she probably thought was a seductive manner whispered in my ear “I’ll take you there” with the band. I looked at her smiled awkwardly and told her “I prefer to stay here.”

I didn’t see her anymore after that.

Not a lot of time passed before Fastcars swooped in to buy Trix and I another round of drinks, this time I went for a vodka gimlet which turned out to be very strong. I drank it all and was a bit unsteady. Without even realizing it, I had become drunk. Very drunk

All because guys wanted to get with Trix.

I felt like a twenty five year old when the band took their next break. I managed to stumble over to the Mexican restaurant next door and after inhaling a taco dinner and sucking down a bottle of water I felt better about my ability to drive home and annoyed that stupid boys ruined our GNO.

I guess I shouldn’t feel so bad. I did pique the interest of a large lesbian who did offer to “take me there” and there was a gentleman that went by the moniker of “White Chocolate” that followed me outside when I went to get some air that he was watching me dance all night and was enjoying it. He also asked if I ate snickers bars (I do, they are my favorite!) because I am (in his opinion) as thick as one.

Now before there is outrage, you have to understand that this was to be a compliment. Though I have never understood it, guys have always described me as “thick” and I have always been expected to swoon. Apparently, it is every black girls dream to be thick.

I was trying to make my way back inside when he said “Yea girl, go’ on back inside and dance. It’s making me tight in all the right places.”

I no longer felt the desire to shake my funky stuff.

By the time the band stopped, Shock Blond never reappeared, but White Chocolate had (I just pretended I didn’t see him), Trix and Fastcars left together (not what you think), Pastel left the club sad and I was sober enough to drive home.

It was a pretty good night, I heard an awesome band play (they also enjoyed my dancing…just not as creepily), I didn’t run into anyone from my job and I didn’t have to buy all my drinks.

I have no idea what to expect from this weekend, all I ask is that I am not compared to a Snickers bar…it kind of ruined them for me.

Making Friends on A Monday Night

I have not been able to catch a Chicago Bears game this entire season.

Between my job and the show, football season has been a nice concept that I have yet to grasp. Before I lived in Terre Haute (and when I lived alone) I would spend my Sundays either before or after mass with the game on in the background while I cleaned my house in my old Soldier Field sweatshirt. When the announcers started to get animated, I could be seen running from anywhere in my apartment holding anything from a fistful of suds to toilet brush to scream and jump around my living room.

 I actually wasn't that big of a football fan until about seven or eight years ago when Lewis taught me all of the rules and sat tirelessly explaining all of the things that were going on. Probably because he got so annoyed when we would watch games together and I was all "what happened?" "why did they tackle him?" or "what's a first down?" After a while, I knew when to cheer, when to yell that the ref made a bad call or why there was a flag on the field. He was a good non-boyfriend.

Not having football in my life has been weird and the one Sunday I had free, the Bears were on a bye week. So Monday Night Football was my season opener and I really needed it to be great.

Cable is not something I am able to afford right now, so I was hoping that among the televisions at The Copper Bar, one would be broadcasting the game even though it was game seven of the playoffs between the Giants and the Cardinals (I am a Cubs fan...so go Giants!).

I walked in proudly wearing my Bears shirt and grabbed an empty seat at the bar, ordered my beer and waffle fries and was all set to enjoy the game. We were winning and at the commercial breaks, I would sneak glances at the baseball game (Cards were losing) and at some point I started making small talk with the guy next to me. He was there for the baseball game and he looked perplexed.

"I'm sorry," I said, "...mostly."
"Thanks. Wait What?" he said then he noticed my shirt. "You're here for the football game."
"Yep, but I am also a Cubs fan. Don't worry, I will not gloat, but my life experience has provided me with skills necessary to get you through this."
He looked intrigued.
Then I said, "Repeat after me: There's always next year."
I'm pretty sure he had to fight really hard to keep his beer in his mouth.

And that, my friends is how I started my conversation with one Mister Peter Joel.

First we talked about baseball and talked about our favorite fields (besides Wrigley, of course) and my love of minor league baseball (my dad played when I was a little girl). We talked about Firefly and how sad the world is now that it is no longer on television, but glad that it will live on (yep, he's a nerd!).

Turns out he is a student at Rose Hulman working on his second Bachelors after many many years of being out of school (he's 34--I know, super old for me) and wants to be an engineer now.

He's from Paris, IL and he knows Lilly (small world) and his mom owns the t-shirt shop where my #bradswag shirt was made (smaller world) and he is one that downloaded the font that was used.

Despite the Brad reminder, we had a really good time, we barely noticed the games we were there to watch, he let his beer get warm and I let my fries get cold. We had something in common for every subject we brought up, he gave me movie and television suggestions, I told him that he will lose his nerd card if does not start watching Doctor Who soon. He even liked that I named my car Mona and waved to her.

It was a good night and I was having a good time, but I was getting tired and Peter was having a hard time letting me leave to get some sleep. I thought for sure with all of his stalling that he would ask for my number, but he didn't. And I am OK with that.

I figure that if he wants it, he will figure out how to get it and I may see him there when the World Series starts.

If he doesn't want it, I had a great conversation, my team won the football game and my rival lost the baseball game. It was a glorious night for this city girl and a wonderful season opener.

I Wanna Make Mama June Proud!

What's June Shannon got that I don't?

Well, a boyfriend for starters.

June Shannon, better known as "Honey Boo Boo's mom" is in a relationship. Sigh.

I believe that I am being forced to redneck-ognize that maybe I am supposed to be a nun.

Not. Even. Kidding.

I mean, how can you even begin to explain all of my horrendous luck with men? Either someone up there is preventing a love connection or I haven't come out of a closet I didn't even know I was in. Nothing against girls, but I am sticking with the former.

I should have known something was amiss since well, forever. Sitting here thinking back, I have been getting "mixed signals" from boys for as long as I can remember. (Yes, I am still on the whole Brad thing. Don't act like you don't know how this works. It has to run its course and I should be fine in 8-10 business days) Right now I can count five consecutive times where it hasn't worked out since college and somehow I was reading everything all wrong and in most instances I was so committed to putting my time in and waiting it out.

Girls, that is never a good choice. Please, learn form my experience.

We'll start with Lewis. I met him about eight years ago when we worked together at a group home and I liked him, we became friends after he initially told me that he didn't like me in that way after we had our first pseudo date (he came over and we watched Beauty and the Beast and we had ice cream) and I just looked at him and said "OK."

I know what he said, but I didn't believe him mostly because he always wanted to go out with me. He would take me out to movies and buy me popcorn, he always wanted to be with me and no one else and there were even a few naps in the same bed. During the time we were "just friends," I had two boyfriends (the last time I had an official boyfriend) and he kind of freaked.

There was Toby, who was beautiful. He worked construction, had long blond hair, was a few years younger and the best kisser............................................................oh! sorry, I just got hung up on a memory. There was also Melvin. I don't know what to say about Melvin, except that I really didn't mean to date him. To the best of my recollection, there was beer and Keith Urban playing in the background and we were making out. The next day, he was calling me his girlfriend. I really liked making out so I let that slide...for a month. Most. Awkward. Break-Up. Ever. 

After about two years, the non-relationship with Lewis finally ended when he told me that he didn't want to date someone with a kid (I have one, I placed him up for adoption at birth--we'll talk about it another time), completely taking something incredibly personal and painful about my life and not only turning it against me, but confirming my fears that someone wouldn't be able to love me because I would be seen as damaged goods. It was a long time until I told someone about my son again.

I was still friendly enough with Lewis after that even when he started dating an ugly girl with a kid.

Barry came into the picture about a year later  I don't even want to get into the drama that was Barry.  For now, all you need to know is that it totally sucked and I am glad I lived through it because it definitely made me stronger. I can tell you this, everything that happened with Barry is the reason I am proud to be Team Jacob. I helped him get through his crappy self-destructive phase after a major break-up, was his cheerleader and then he went back to her.

We are still friends (the best,even!), but I don't think I will ever make sense of everything that happened. One day, when I am ready, understand it, and have the time, I will let you know all about it.

Ralph. Do I need to say anything else about Ralph? We all know how that ended and I am pretty sure that I probably won't ever see him again. Even though we have mutual friends, I think that have been very careful to make sure that we never see each other. Only downside, I would hate for either one of us to miss out on a wedding or baptism because he smashed my heart.

I take that back, I would hate if I missed out on a wedding or baptism because Ralph smashed my heart.

Ted-still don't actually know where I stand with that one, but it most definitely his move.

And of course, there's Brad. 

Brad is the most recent (and hopefully last) bit of proof that I really don't understand men at all. That for some reason, I am the string-a-long, girl. Sassy thinks that for some reason, guys see me as safe. That they are so safe with me that I can be treated like their girlfriend, but when I want to be their girlfriend, suddenly I didn't understand our relationship. I am perfectly safe.

Of course I am, THEY aren't the ones getting hurt.

So, June Shannon. What the hell does she have that I don't? Besides a boyfriend, I mean.

I have never watched the prosti-tots on Toddlers and Tiaras or Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. My knowledge of either comes from Joel McHale, but I trust him so I'm good.

I know the awful (the hoarding, the animals, the lack of nutrition), but in my Internet research, I found that she is compassionate (like me!), open about her flaws (well, she kind of has to be...) and she she sticks to her guns and won't let others take advantage.

And that is where she's got me.


Mama June's take me or leave me attitude is something that I think I possess, but I am finding doesn't always apply to guys I like.

They treat me less than what I am worth and I let them get away with it every single time.

Lewis' reasoning made me feel like shit, but I still talked to him and we were still friends until I moved away.

Barry, I found out early on, realized how I felt about him and didn't change the way he treated me. While he was out of the country on a month-long vacation, my friend Lola told me that they'd talked at my birthday party. He told her (possibly while drunk), that he knew that I liked him and that he was leaving in a few days and was hoping that by the time he got back, I would be over him so we could be friends. Also, he wanted to know if she could help with that. Lola told me about a week before he returned when she realized absence was making the heart grow fonder. Unsure of what to do, I booked a plane ticket to visit some friends in DC making sure that I would be out of town when he got back.

I was the first person he called and it was for a ride from the airport. I was actually with Ralph when I took the call (Barry and Ralph overlapped a bit) and it felt so good to NOT be available to him. Unfortunately, when I got home, it was business as usual and I kept how I felt to myself and he was happy to let me.

I allowed Ralph to string me along for years, being completely "safe" because of his discernment and I let him get away with everything until I finally let him have it.

In a Facebook message.

That he could read safely in his room at the seminary.

Even though I am definitely not going to make another move on Ted, the fact that I would give him another chance to stop being stupid is well, stupid.

Kinda regretting that I didn't call "bullshit" on Brad when I had the chance on Monday night. I was too easy on him when we talked and let him think we are just fine after being treated like I was the idiot for thinking that we could have been something. Exactly what? I am not sure, but I really should have let him know how crappy he was. Oh well, it's too late now.I know this because I have read He's Just Not That Into You twice, watched the movie and own the audio book and they say it is important not to give a man a chance to reject you twice. He'll just have to find out he pulled an asshole move from the next girl.

I have to stop the insanity! At some point (maybe now?) I have to learn to do things differently if I am ever gonna make Mama June proud. I don't know when this will be, but for now I am gonna drink my go-go juice like a good girl and put the almost empty family size bag of chips down (Future Hot Body Lainie is gonna be pissed!) and move on with my life.

I am gonna get it together eventually.

Someone out there is gonna be happy to meet me and I can't keep him waiting.

...Smile Because It Happened

It hurts re-entering the atmosphere.

That is why space crafts take precautions and over prepare for that moment. You know, so they don't explode. A luxury not afforded to those involved in community theatre who have been hit with their reality that has been suspended for about two months.

And it was in waking up this morning that I realized the world seemed a bit off and I was dragging my feet all day mourning the loss of…something. I had to wonder, "What the hell just happened to me?"

In my attempt to answer that question, I had to think about the person I was exactly two months before: I was coming up on my one year anniversary in Terre Haute not thinking that I have had a ton of amazing positive things happening. If you remember, I was feeling stuck and didn’t really know how to remedy that. The day after auditions, I started Turbo Fire again, determined to make it all the way through like I did with Insanity thinking I would have a better chance at being more positive with endorphins and a hot body on my side. I was in need of a spiritual rejuvenation because my negativity was having an effect on my faith life. I had also attempted online dating which was quickly nixed because I know all of the eight  men it showed in my area and there was no way I wanted to pay for a service to try and date men that haven’t asked me out in the first place.

I never expected that this would be a life changing experience when I set out for auditions that Sunday afternoon. I was trying super hard not to get my hopes up about getting a part, but somehow show them I was a shoo-in for the role Queen Latifah played in the movie.  I wore a super cute outfit with leopard print peep-toe stilettos to let them know I was both stylish and fierce and I chose to sing "You'll Never Walk Alone" from Carousel with gospel flair so I would be more likely to stand out. All of that was fine, except even though I remembered all the words, I completely forgot how the song went.

I. Am. Awesome.

I got through the audition OK, I read well, I danced my ass off in my stilettos and much fuss was made about the fact I moved so well in them. I was proud and I was definitely hoping my spunk would be enough to get me cast.

And it was!

Though it was not for the role I wanted, I thought it would be a lot of fun because there were a lot of cool one-line solos and absolutely no lines! I was also so excited to be a part of something in this town that didn't involve my job.

About a week into rehearsals, the girl who was playing the role I initially wanted (also named Lainie-crazy huh?) decided it wasn't for her and being the amazing, selfless person I am agreed to take over the role, you know, for the good of the show.

Now to understand how amazing it was that this was all happening to me, I have to take you back to the Fall of 1996 and introduce you to Nina Montenegro.

Nina Montenegro was the Rachel Berry to my Tina Cohen-Chang. I was the music rival she didn't acknowledge as such. Since our freshman year she was groomed to be the big star and she could do no wrong. I was primarily on the theatre track in high school while she did music so junior year when I decided to do both, people started to take notice.

Because we went to an all girls high school, we didn't really complete for boys (except when the musical came around) so everyone competed with academics or in their talent area more than any other teenage girls.  Because I added music to my interest, I officially became competition for Nina...well, at least in my mind. She still got all the solos I wanted, even though everyone thought I was robbed when she got the Midnight Train to Georgia Solo over me. (No, I'm not bitter...).

 My mom wouldn't let me do the musical my senior year (still kinda pissed about that) so she got the lead, even though I knew I had a real shot  Anyway, my junior year was spent with her getting every single song I wanted and not having to try out. I didn’t want the same to happen for senior year, but I knew it was inevitable.

 I just focused on making show choir awesome (also like in Glee we weren't appreciated) while she was in the more exalted Chamber Singers choir. Show choir did get awesome and everyone started to like us a ton and we were being requested more than the other choirs.

Yep, we were making it happen so much that I earned a spot in Tri-M (the music honor society) and when I was inducted, I had to sing a solo and that was when it happened. That was when I (like show choir) got more appreciation and when everyone (including the choir director) realized that Nina was not the only game in town. That was when I got my share of solos and I even shared the cantor duties at our graduation. Though I wasn't exactly her equal in everyone's eyes, I became an "almost as good as" which was a step up for me and quite possibly hell for her, because I like to think that we both knew the truth.

I have always been one to make fun (or at least make snarky comments) about adults seeking emotionally corrective experiences, but I let all of that pass when my first thought after my first rehearsal when the cast first heard me sing and they clapped. A lot. I remember thinking to myself "Wow. THIS must be how Nina Montenegro felt all through high school."

Sick, I know. I promise I am a stable adult in my free time.

Besides providing a corrective emotional experience ( yes, I was second choice for this part, but I like to think they accidentally offered the part to the wrong Lainie and were secretly relieved when she had to drop out so I am going to let it count), I got some amazing relationships out of the deal.

Now that Izzy moved away last month and Shelley got married over the summer, I was kind of down two people (or I guess 1.5, because she still lives here)  to hang out with and Trix, CeeCee, Stacy and Prue have become my girls! I remember having “show friends” in high school and once it was all over, we would still talk, but we never really hung out after school or anything. I actually can’t find half of them on Facebook.

I was kind of worried that it would be the same with this group, but over the course of the show, we all (or at least most of us) went through some personal drama where we found ourselves leaning on each other outside of rehearsal. It was in the shift of our conversations going from how annoyed we were with something that happened in rehearsal to our real life away from the stage that I found new girlfriends.

They definitely had my back when all that craziness went down with Brad over the weekend, I mean Trix was ready to attack, CeeCee and Prue didn’t talk to him in solidarity to me and Stacy was ready to snark him to death, so clearly there is some ride or die action going on. Trix said it best the other day when she shared a photo on Facebook “The best time to make friends is before you need them.”

It could have been seen as a loss, but I did get a friendship with Brad out of the deal too. Yesterday afternoon I decided to take some action and at least get some closure for both of us whether I saw him again or not.

I sent him a messaged letting him know that Mona (my SUV) and I were coming to Paris, IL (just across the river and where he lives—also Lilly’s home town. Hi Lilly!) that night and we were going to talk. All he had to do was let me know when he was free and that he was not allowed to say no.

I have balls, right?

No. I was ready to pee my pants after I sent that message. I was not sure that I wanted to see him in person just yet. I just knew that I wanted to clear the air and ask his forgiveness for my part in how things went down.

I would love to tell you that I didn’t obsessively check my Facebook for new messages the rest of the afternoon, but let’s get real: I am a girl that needed to get something off her chest.

He finally called and put me out of my misery. We had a great conversation and both admitted that everything kind of got messed and we both apologized for our part. He told me in the nicest of nice guy ways that he was sorry for giving me mixed signals. (I told Trix about this later and she said: “Mixed signals? The only mixed signal he gave was that he wanted you to have his mixed babies!” Love you, Trix!)

We also agreed to be friends so we will have to see how that goes.

The last two months have been nothing I have ever expected to experience. I found out a lot about myself and exactly of what I am capable. I learned through my experiences on the stage that I am more talented than I realized. I always knew that I was a good singer and am a natural performer, but years of rejection and being second best have made me doubt my gift. Yes, I realize that Terre Haute, IN is not exactly New York City, but the praise I have received over the last couple of weeks, has made me more confident about the amount of talent I have. I even met a guy that keeps telling me that he has work for me and that I should call him and I really think I will.

Even though I felt like I was in mourning all day, I realize now that they were growing pains. I definitely grew in the past eight weeks and gained a better perspective on my life here—how long that will last, I have no idea.

In my relationships with the girls, I have let my guard down, a privilege only previously afforded to Sassy. It feels good to trust more people and to have more shoulders to lean on.

I even learned from my showmance with Brad: He’s Just Not That Into You is going to still be a bestseller when I have a granddaughter.

So, two months later I am still not dating (even though Ted was so happy to see me again and even happier that Brad and I are not dating), but I am sticking with Turbo Fire and Future Hot Body Lainie is starting to become a thing of the present. I also started going to daily mass again (sometimes with Trix), something I have missed doing since  moved here and even though we had a knock down drag out fight yesterday, God and I are doing OK.

The most important thing is through this experience, I no longer feel stuck. 

I have a lot more hope for the rest of my time here (however long that will be) and am ready to re-enter the atmosphere as long as it’s OK with Houston.

Crash and Burn

Brad and I have been getting closer and you might say the flirting has been getting a bit more intense. We still talk close and giggle, but we've added arms around each other and hands on each other's waist. He even mentioned writing me a song as a result of a random Facebook flirt-fest. So yeah, things are going well.

The girls (Trix, Stacy, CeeCee and Prue) have taken to fake barfing because we are oh so cute! Trix and Prue even did an awkward make out pantomime in front of us (but out of his line of sight) and I had to walk away because I was laughing so hard. Everyone (and I mean everyone) thinks that we are the cutest and that there is a good shot that this may extend a bit past the show ending this weekend. 

Last week I made him a shirt that said #bradswag written in Sharpie. We have a joke that his character is kind of a ho and has swagger (or so he thinks) and it has taken a life of its own backstage and is now known as the "Brad Swag."

Anyway, I was a bit nervous it would make me seem kind of clingy so I almost didn't give it to him, but he liked it! You should have seen him grinning from ear to ear. I felt so proud. 

He actually liked the shirt so much that he had one made for me at a shop to match his and on the back it says "I'm A Swag" and I love it (though I am not sure that being a "swag" is necessarily a good thing and Stacy says I have been branded).I showed it to anyone and everyone who has a pair of eyes and now people say "have you seen my shirt?!" to me in lieu of a greeting.

I am in seventh heaven.

Or at least I was until Tanqueray swooped in.

It was kind of starting at our pick rehearsal in between weekend shows, but I didn't really think anything of it, Brad is friendly with everyone. Also, I knew that as much as I talked and gushed about him, I knew in the back of mind that we weren't going to be anything real and that he was just flirting and really, I just wanted to make out so as long as that happened eventually, I would be just fine.

Then, he definitely changed the game with that shirt. It made me change my mind about what I wanted could happen between us and it made Tanqueray work harder. Damn!

She's a nice enough girl, that Tanqueray (you know, despite her unfortunate name). A hell of a lot closer to Brad's age than I am and she's cute. She seems like she is kind of privileged and it is apparent that her family treats her like a princess, so she is probably used to getting what she wants. And she has decided that she wants Brad. 

Brad, being a guy obviously liked the attention and he shifted gears. He flirted with her at the cast party while I hung out with Trix and Company until he found me and shifted his focus once again, leaving Tanqueray clamoring for his attention while he was sitting on my lap and asking me to a concert. What the fuck?

It was a very frustrating night and things were starting to get messy. 

And Brad was taking the swag a little too far.

Marcus, another friend (and my stage son), talked to him the next day and told him how incredibly inappropriate he felt his behavior was with Tanqueray and explained the he wanted to punch Brad in the face because of the way he treated me and that he should talk to me whether he likes me "in that way" or not. 

Basically he told him to man up and that was when I knew if I talked to him about any of this after we wrapped the show that our conversation would consist of "I'm flattered, but..." and I really can't have any more of those conversations. For real. I don't think I could physically handle any more romantic rejection in my life. 

He didn't man up. He barely talked to me and when he did, he was formal and his hands were in his pockets and to make matters worse, most times I saw him after wrap he was with Tanqueray. Someone wise once said "be wary of crooners." I should have listened and now it's Eddie Fisher all over again.

So I didn't say goodbye. 

I am not sure if that was the right thing to do, but I had a small work issue to deal with, I was holding back tears; I was feeling a little embarrassed and self conscious about how things just ended and didn't want to be there anymore. I also didn't want to go over to him and have our goodbye be a production that people would comment on later. Instead, I told the girls and Marcus a quiet goodbye without hugs so I wouldn't draw attention to my leaving and left. 

I should have said goodbye. I know that now, but there is nothing I can do to change it. He is probably relieved that he didn't have the awkward "I just wanna be friends" conversation with me and we all know that would have been total crap! He got called out and decided to retreat.

The one thing that upsets me most is the fact that I KNEW this was not going to work. I knew back in August that he was just a pretty face. I never thought I would actually have a real conversation with him let alone a showmance! I knew this wouldn't work out and that I shouldn't get my hopes up. But he made me change my mind.

He’s the one that intensified the flirting; he’s the one that didn’t let go when we hugged. He’s the one that kept his arm around me longer than would have been friendly. He’s the one that sought me out EVERY SINGLE TIME. He’s the one who had a shirt professionally made to match the one I made him. He gave me his council ring for goodness sake!

That last one was a joke/flirty thing that Prue and I gushed over for an entire rehearsal, but it was a great moment nonetheless.

Because I couldn’t let it end with my sneaking out, I messaged him on Facebook:

Me: Hey! I had a small work emergency. Sorry I left without saying goodbye, but I didn’t see you! (Side note: this is not entirely untrue as I didn’t look in his direction as I was leaving…)

Brad: That's ok. Gotta do what you gotta do. The last several weeks have been a pleasure to experience. Glad I got to meet so many new people. But they say every good thing must come to an end!! See you around!!

Me: You too, Brad

I think that may be how it ends and that is the part that makes me a little sad. I actually want to know what is going to happen in his life. Without realizing it, we actually became friends. In the midst of all of our barf-inducing backstage flirting, he shared some things with me that were personal and we found we have the same corny sense of humor and sometimes share the same brain. I am going to miss him and even though he was wrong about the whole Tanqueray thing, I was wrong too.

The way I ended things on my terms wasn’t exactly right and from what I have learned about Brad over the last few weeks, my ignoring him and leaving without saying goodbye broke a trust and I am pretty sure I won’t get the opportunity to repair it.

Though I am sure I will be OK about it and move on from this experience, I am at this moment a little embarrassed that I treated him that way. He deserved more than that from me, I am a better person than that jealous girl that walked out of the theatre this evening and I am a little mad at myself for letting her win.

I started this post ready to give all the blame to Brad  for the crash and burn, but now I know I share it.

I really do hope that I will see him around.

Scandalous Transportation

So I have been  having some car drama for the last month and I have been making my way around Terre Haute in every way imaginable.

Trixie and I are in the show together so I haven't had a hard time getting home from rehearsal if I needed a ride. (Love you, Trix!) But because she doesn't live or work with me, I have to live up to my personal motto and make it happen. I knew that I wouldn't really have a problem.

At least I knew I wouldn't have a problem getting around.

The Nosy Nellies are a problem all on their own.

For some reason, I thought my not driving would not be a big deal. Apparently, I have forgotten that I am super noticeable and for some reason everything I do is every one's business. It has been a year, I would have thought the newness would have worn off by now, but all modes of transit have raised questions and the tongues, they are a-waggin'!

I ride my bike most days and it has not been glamorous. I show up to work sweating despite my wearing air wicking clothes underneath work clothes. My hair has been in a bun and I am hauling a backpack everywhere I go. What am I, 25? I haven't worn a backpack in seven years (except for that time I went to the Amazon...but then again, I was in the Amazon) and choose to be a bit more stylish. It has gotten to the point where if I showed up anywhere bone dry with makeup on, everyone was wondering what event I just came from or "oh, is your car working now?".  Despite the style deficit, I think the bike has been my favorite option because it positively effects Future Hot Body Lainie and it has allowed Brad to flirt with me after rehearsal. (Squee!)

It started when a few members of the cast were worried about my riding home after dark and I was all whatever, I will be just fine and that was when Brad said, "I don't know if you were hoping, but I don't have a trunk big enough for your bike." And we just roared with laughter while others were confused. (If you are also confused, Netflix 40 Year-Old Virgin) That was when we realized that we have the same ridiculous sense of humor and he became more than just a pretty face. We also did this bit where when I hopped in my bike to ride home he would push me while saying "you can do it!" or "keep pedaling" while I would break free and  say "I did it! I'm riding my bike!" and he would spout words of encouragement until I rounded the corner.

Ahh...how cute are we?

I have also taken to walking places. I love it, it makes me feel like I live in an actual city again. I have been able to discover things that  normally pass up when in a moving vehicle or riding a bike. I noticed a music store a block away from the community theatre and I think that I might finally take those guitar lessons that are a year overdue. I also had a chance to (finally) stop in Clabber Girl and have a cup of coffee and on my way to work, I saw this:

There is a street downtown that has all of these great sayings about life, love and adventure and if I were driving around this town, I would have missed it. I especially needed it that day, because life has been crazy and I was hating the world at that particular moment. Seeing that in the sidewalk made laugh and think "God is good" and went on about my day feeling much better.

Two weeks ago, I finally allowed myself to discover the Terre Haute City Bus System. Though it it is not incredibly complicated and sort of user friendly, it is no CTA. Buses only come once an hour and you have to plan to show up ten minutes before and stay ten minutes after the scheduled time. They also only come from the transit center downtown and unless you spend hours studying the schedules and maps, you can only transfer buses from the transit center where my options are either wait 35-40 minutes for the next bus or walk the three miles home and arrive before the bus did.

I often made decision based on my level of tiredness and/or how it would positively effect Future Hot Body Lainie (she is starting to make an appearance!). I usually opt to walk, but the days that I decide I am too tired to walk more, I subject my self to a double dose of the Haute mess that is this town I call home.

All kinds of people ride the bus and it is not necessarily the best kind.

Coming from a city, I am used to all types of people on public transit. it is entirely possible that a businessman could ride the bus or train sitting next to a struggling single mom with a homeless man sitting across the aisle and no one would blink an eye. Mush less, notice one harmless Lainie Mac that is trying to get to her second job at the mall.

Not so. I stick out like  a sore thumb.

It took me a few bus rides to figure out why I got curious glances every so often and why everyone either looked a bit down and out or that they were under the age of 20.

It is because most of the people that ride the bus are those that are a bit down and out or in college. There is no room for the likes of me on public transit. People have actually been a bit mortified when I told them I was riding the bus. Just about as mortified as when I told them that I shop at thrift stores...by choice.

I am learning that although this town does not have big city standards and I definitely have learned to deal with what is lacking, the people here do have standards and expectations for people they think to be "normal." Trish and Sassy had to explain to me a while back that doing things like shopping at thrift stores will make people think that I have to shop at a thrift store and according to the Terre Haute community, only certain people shop at thrift stores and some people may wonder about me. The same goes for my alternate modes of transportation.

I may have caused chatter among all of the places where I work and the community I serve. Some of them have been curious and are discreet enough to make a comment about how great it is that I am riding my bike. They are sure that I am getting great exercise, but when it gets cold I will surely be driving...right? Or, "I saw you walking yesterday. Is everything OK?" When they say that, I have to laugh because if they were really that concerned, they would have pulled over, asked me then if I were OK and offered me a ride.And some of them are direct and are all "Where is your car?"

Sigh.

For sure, I am not that exciting or that I am not the first person they know to have car issues. I am also sure that they own a bicycle and a pair of feet so this shouldn't be so foreign. I actually don't know why I am so irritated, I just know that I am.

I can't stand when people are all up in my business and I haven't invited them. I had been hoping the fact they  know I am from a major city and have been slow to letting go of my "Big City Ways" would keep them from questioning, but it has been a good excuse. "All of this makes me feel like I am back home," I say without directly answering their question. Which most likely is equal parts frustrating and fascinating to them, but I don't care. I like to keep Hautians on their toes and out of my face.

I just know I will get another round of questions once everyone sees me driving again.