Stuck

I woke up sad this morning.

Not in a depressed stay in bad kind of sad, just sad.

I eventually got out of bed, did my workout, ate breakfast and made my way to work. That is, after I sat in my car and listened to “Turning Tables,” cried a little. Pulled out of my garage while “Don’t You Remember” played, cried a little more and ended up in the parking lot at work while “Take It All” played and you guessed it, cried some more.

Note to self: Break Adele CD.

I don’t know if sad is exactly the way to describe how I felt this morning, maybe stuck is more like it.

Stuck here.

Stuck because I am at the point where I don’t see any progress being made. I don’t know if I am better for moving here even though I know that I am doing better living here than if I were still in my hometown.

Stuck because change is happening so slowly, that I can’t recognize if it is happening at all. I know that I shouldn’t worry; I have always been a late bloomer. I mean, I was the last of my friends to get boobs and, well…

Stuck because when I feel like this, I still want comfort in the things I can’t have anymore. Like reading a book on the “L” way past my stop because I just need a little me time and some peace, or asking Sunny and Peter to hang out after work because I wanted wings, beer and friends that I didn’t have to explain anything to. This time of year, I especially miss that after a bad day, Ralph would pick me up from work early so that we could go to Six Flags and I could escape. I also felt comfort in our late drives home from the park and singing along to his Frank Sinatra CD even though we’d probably just argued about something (his fault, I’m sure).

Sometimes, I think it would have been easier if we’d never met. I wouldn’t have spent five years waiting, I would be probably be on the “L” right now and Adele would just be that British girl with the awesome voice instead of the only person that knows my pain. (How does she know? How?)

When I was sitting in my car willing myself to make it into my office, I realized that it was exactly a year ago today that I was in Wisconsin Dells with Sunny and Peter that I got the call.

They wanted me in Terre Haute. I had gotten the job and they wanted to know when I could start. I accepted on the spot without knowing my salary and where I would live or if I could even break my lease. All I knew was that this move felt right and I didn’t want to be stuck.

Here I am a year later and I am still feeling stuck.

There are days when I know that I am moving forward and that I am not exactly where I was a year ago and that I am doing better.

Then there are the days (like today) that I am crying because I still haven’t figured out how to stop missing what I planned my life would be and listening to Adele on repeat asking myself how she knows me so well. (Seriously, how?)

I remember before I left, I met up with a friend for dinner and I was listing all of the ways this move would be positive and some goals I had. #1-pick up two hobbies (finally learning to play the guitar my mom got me seven years ago being among them) and #2-start dating. Well, Sassy and I took up knitting…for about five minutes, my guitar is still collecting dust, and we know how things are going with Ted.

I know that I can’t measure success based on the goals an incredibly confused, sad girl in transition made a year ago, but I need a win and right now and I feel like all I can achieve is an honorable mention.

Expect A Miracle

I miss him at the most random times.

I was picking up beer for a movie night with Sassy when I saw a six-pack of Magic Hat and I laughed out loud.

Flashback to last summer, Ralph and I were sitting at Wolcott’s, and Jen (our waitress) suggested Magic Hat. I’d never heard of it before and was open to something new. I tried it, liked it and realized how strong it was. When Jen came back to check on us, I asked for another even though as I told her, it made me “feel like I had my own magic hat” and Ralph laughed about that for days.

When I saw the beer, I thought of that moment and how he always laughed the hardest at all of my stupid jokes. Even the ones that didn’t always make sense…like the magic hat comment. I felt, to him I was the funniest person in the world. As I chose and paid for my beer, I had this overwhelming sense of sadness and 

I began to miss Ralph.

The Ralph that was my friend.

I sat in my car and sent the following text:  Just saw Magic Hat beer in the store and I laughed out loud. Made me think of you and how much I miss my friend. Hope you are well.

Then I drove to Sassy’s and (surprisingly) succeeded in not crying

On my way there, I had to reflect on how and why I was suddenly at the point where I wanted to break the silence I put between us.

I was in West Virginia on a service retreat/mission trip with some of the teens last week at a place called Nazareth Farm. I have been there many times when I was in college and early twenties and that place is so special to me. It is an intentional Catholic community based on the cornerstones of simplicity, community, service and prayer. In addition to it being home, it is the place where I feel the most beautiful. Because we live in simplicity, I can’t wear makeup, or jewelry, or take more than three showers a week, so I am forced to see myself the way God sees me through my interactions with others and my own revelations.

 It is the place I ran to when I started to fall apart when Ralph told me he was going to the seminary.

The place where I met Annette and she told me about the job here in Terre Haute about 36 hours after I was praying and I felt God was telling me two things: 1. I had to let go of Ralph and 2. That I had to quit my job.  

It was in that moment that I had to trust that God had a plan so that I would be open to whatever new opportunity came my way…close to home.  When Annette told me about the job here in the Haute, I all but laughed in her face…then I sent my resume and cover letter the minute I got home.  There is a saying at the farm: Expect A Miracle. A year ago, I would have loved for my miracle to lead me to Ralph, but I am happy that it led me here.

Almost a year to the day I set out for Naz Farm, I was on my way to sharing the Farm with the teens I have gotten to know over the last eleven months hoping and praying they would be open to a life changing experience.

We had a good week. I had an amazing work group, survived about 20 bee stings (I swear they were tracker jackers…gansta traker jackers even!) and I met Pierce.

Pierce was a chaperone for another group and in a month’s time will be joining an order of monks. You should know that I absolutely heart monks! I went to a college run by Benedictine monks and they are some of the coolest religious I know.  So of course we had to become friends.

Actually, no. I tried avoiding him from the moment we arrived. He had that priest look about him and I could tell he wasn’t one, so I wanted absolutely NOTHING to do with him. He, on the other hand, had different plans.

He spoke first, offering to write my name on my cup and after that, sitting next to me at meals and during free time. I didn’t warm up to him until I found out that he was going into the monkery. Like I said, I love monks! I let myself become his friend and we even had a wonderfully dorky high five we did every morning and every night.  

Over the first half of the week, I could see how much he would thrive in a religious community and what a benefit he would be to others. I became excited for his next step as I learned more and about him and made a commitment to pray for him. It wasn’t until Thursday night that I let him become my friend. 

It was when one of the staff asked me about when and why I became Catholic. I love sharing my story and one day I may share it here, but people usually ask and I am happy to tell. With Pierce, I felt it was important that I tell him my story so I asked him to stay and hear it. It was that openness on my end I feel made him strike while the iron was hot and ask more questions about my life. It was when he asked me about my next step (vocation-wise), that I told him I was rebuilding. And then I told him about Ralph, including how I ended up here.

I told him that even though it really sucks sometimes, I am figuring it out and really digging the person I am becoming. I told him that even though I think about Ralph, I am not always sad about it and I am happy where I am.  And, as much as I don’t want to admit it, I have Ralph to thank for my life the way it is now.

Pierce looked thoughtful and little concerned and I apologized for being such a downer (wah wah) and he said that it was fine and he could relate. I thanked him for listening and he looked me in the eye and said “Lainie. I. Can. Relate,” I just looked at him and said “What? Did you not marry some poor girl?” I knew before he said “yes.”

It was probably only a few seconds, but it seemed like forever until someone spoke again and I am not sure which one of us did or of everything we said. It wasn’t long until some of the teens came into the room we were in and we had to interact with them and process everything that happened later.

For the next two days we talked when we saw each other but not again like we did that night. I couldn’t believe it that out of everyone in the world that would be coming to the Farm this summer; we were there the same week. I felt like we are the only two people in the world that give each other solace because our counterparts have either hurt or have been hurt too badly by the other for there to be any resolution free of bitterness or blaming. He was exactly what I needed now that I am a crucial point in my life where I am trying to find healing so I am not completely scarred when I finally meet someone. I know now that God has an amazing plan for Ralph and his gifts that don’t include me. And I think I helped him move into this next stage without feeling so guilty. I feel through me knows that  she (whoever and wherever she is) will be OK and even though the hurt is deep, it won’t last forever.

I caught him just before he left and told him that I even though I would probably never see him again, I was so blessed to have met him and he agreed. Then we hugged each other super tight; bonded by the inverse of a similar experience.  A week before I didn’t know him and I was standing there overjoyed to have met him and he became the most important thing about my week. He was the miracle I forgot to expect.

If it weren’t for my meeting Pierce, I wouldn’t have reached out to Ralph letting him know in my own way, that I am not as sad anymore.

Sassy and I were sitting down getting ready to watch the movie when he responded about half an hour later: I am, hope you are too.

I didn’t respond. Knowing he’s still out there is enough for me for now. I don’t know if there will be more texts or even actual conversation, I am just glad I was able to crack the door I closed six months ago.

Breaking the Rules

I wish I were a Rules girl.

This would have probably gone better if I were a Rules girl.

I went out with Ted last night, we met up at the Barnes and Noble and literally walked through the bookstore for an hour and half (weird, right?) and then went to Copper Bar where he goes all the time and he is like Norm and all the waitresses know him. Our waitress last night is a Colt’s cheerleader and although he was just being a nice guy, he came off as creepily flirty. He even hugged her when we left! She was even a bit put off by it. I have no idea what is up with him sometimes, but I am fine whether he calls me or not.

I would definitely classify my night with Ted a fail. So much so that after Sassy left my apartment (she was reassuring me that I am OK and anyone would be lucky to have me yadda yadda yadda...) I immediate looked up The Rules book of nineties fame, downloaded and listened to the audiobook then confirmed my suspicion that I was dead in the water before the night even started.

There are 35 rules in the book that you have to follow to get a man or whatever and there were eight that applied to my situation with Ted:

Rule #1. Be a Creature Unlike Any Other

Rule #2. Don't Talk First (and Don't Ask Him to Dance)

Rule #3. Don't Stare or Talk Too Much

Rule #4. Don't Meet Halfway or Go Dutch

Rule #6. Always End Phone Calls First

Rule #7. Don't Accept A Saturday Date after Wednesday

Rule #8 Fill Up Your Time Before a Date

Rule #17. Let Him Take the Lead

I broke six of them. Maybe seven.

Let me break it down for you.

Rule #1: Be a Creature Unlike Any Other. Ok, I have this one down pat. Blessing or curse, I am definitely my own person and although it is not exactly what the relationships gurus meant, I am going to accept it as a win. I mean, they want me to be demure and mysterious. Me, demure? Mysterious? Not gonna happen. They are just going to have to settle for blunt and unpredictable.

Rule #2: Don’t Talk First (And Don’t Ask Him To Dance). Our phone conversation last Friday night definitely breaks this rule. I called him. I told him I was interested in getting to know him better and now he thinks he’s hot shit when in fact I. Am hot shit. The hottest in fact, but I didn’t give him the chance to realize that on his own. This was evidenced in the fact that when I arrived at the book store, he kind of was like “Oh, hi. There you are Lainie.” and went back to reading the jacket of a book. It was like I was the Perry to his Phineas. Actually, no. I felt more like Isabella, I think I even said “What ‘cha doin’?”  He just kind of expected me to be there and I don’t really think he was all that excited to see me. Probably because I put the ball in his court.

Rule #3 Don’t Stare or Talk Too Much. Biggest. Rule. Infraction. Ever. I didn’t stare, but I did talk. A lot. If you know me, you know that I am usually not at a loss for words. I can tackle just about any subject and I know a ton of useless information (I have a dream to be on Jeopardy one day). Once I arrived and Ted seemed indifferent, I went into girl mode and kept talking to get his attention. Talking with hopes that he was interested in what I had to say. Talking in response to whatever he said when I let him get a word in. I was aware that I was talking too much, but I had no control. I tried self-talk (“Shut the fuck up, Lainie,” I would say to myself every five minutes) and when that didn’t work, I was finally shamed into putting a lid on it. We were in the philosophy section and I was talking about something when mid-sentence, Ted handed me a book and said, “Why don’t you take a look at that.” I took the book, flipped through it, waited the appropriate amount of time excused myself and went to the bathroom and attempted to get a grip. I did much better when we went to dinner.

Rule #4 Don’t Meet Halfway or Go Dutch. We got separate checks.

Rule #6 Always End Phone Calls First. This happened a few weeks back and I am well aware of this rule and just as I was about to end the conversation, he beat me to the punch. I was still under the influence of vicodin so I am using that as my defense and he was calling to check in after my surgery so that was sweet of him.

Rule #7 Don’t Accept a Saturday Date After Wednesday. Our date was on a Wednesday, but I broke this rule big time. At about quarter to five I got a text asking what my plans were, I responded nothing and that was when he asked me to the bookstore and dinner. Actually, he told me where he was going and I could come if I “cared to join” him. I was there in half an hour. Wow, Lainie, you are incredibly hard to get.

Rule #8 Fill Up Your Time Before A Date. This is the one rule that I actually followed with no effort. See previous rule.

Rule #17 Let Him Take the Lead. I have a hard time letting anyone take the lead. I’m the oldest of five. I am always in charge. Ralph used to always remind me that he had to take the lead when we were dancing at weddings. Last night, when we walked up to the bar, I opened and held open the door. Ted looked a bit taken aback and had to remind me “Ladies first.” The sad part? I did again on the way out.

Epic. Fail.

I don’t know if I have it in me to be a Rules girl, but I know I have it in me to try. I don’t think I will get another chance with Ted and I am not sure if I want one, but I will have another chance to try it out.

I have a date with Vincent on Saturday night, but that is another story for another day.

Ted: Revisited

Sassy and I were having dinner at Copper Bar earlier this week when she once again tried to start the Lainie needs to start dating conversation. I know this is stemming from the fact that she now has a man friend and doesn’t want to leave me out. Well, that and the fact I have a deadline set and I think she is trying to keep me in town.

I have been interested in some guys around here, but I am really having trouble. There was Ken, who volunteers with me and I feel I have made it clear that I would be more than interested to spend time with him outside of our usual setting.

Nothing.

There’s Billy that I think might like me, but I am not sure if i like him more than a friend. And I really like having him as a friend and though it is so cliche, I really don't want to ruin the friendship. 

Then there’s Ted. It keeps coming back to him doesn’t it? About a month ago I realized that I haven’t been entirely fair to him with comparing him to Ralph and all and writing him off. I think Sassy has known that for a while and waited an appropriate amount of time to try to get him back on my radar.

Ted, who I have been hanging out with for the last six months as a friend so now he knows what a (proud) nerd I am and not only accepts it, he embraces it! Ted whom every time I see for the last few weeks has had my attention because the more I get to know him; I find he really is a great guy. I feel bad for dismissing him just because of Words with Friends and I haven’t even seen him play it in a while.

So I have been revisiting Ted as an option on my own and apparently so has Sassy. She chose her moment to let me in on that when she couldn’t handle any more of my nerd talk while we out. Actually, she let on that she can’t handle my nerd talk period. She almost had a breakdown when I started talking about Thor. She made me text Ted on the spot and try to go out with him and discuss the merits of Joss Whedon directing the Avengers (awesome!) because she had no idea what I was talking about.

So I texted him and somehow it was decided that we would go see The Avengers together (both for the second time) and I was waiting to hear back about when. I left the patio and went inside for a second and who should I see? Ted.  He was there with CB and Bret and we both looked at each other like the cat that ate the canary and I got bold and asked him to come out to the patio before he left. He did!

We had a great time and we even invited some random stranger over who was sitting by himself.  Sassy was super pissed at me about that because she had to talk to him and he was a bit on the weird side but I was too busy flirting with Ted to notice…much.

Ted and I decided to go to the movie on Friday night (date night!) and I spent the rest of the week with butterflies in my stomach.

Around five o’clock on Friday, the butterflies were smashed.

He texted me about an hour before we were supposed to meet to tell me that our friend CB didn’t have plans and he (Ted) invited him (CB) to the movie with us. 

So, it wasn’t a date and whether he meant to or not, CB was living up to his name.

Is he even kidding me?

I for real thought we were on the same page!

On the plus side, I am glad that I knew well in advance. Can you imagine me trying to hide my disappointment? I stomped around my apartment for the next 45 minutes and decided that I was going to get popcorn now that it didn’t matter if he saw how messy I am with it. I also decided that I wasn’t going to paint my nails. So there!

Despite my disappointment, I had a pretty good time with Ted and CB. While we were walking back to our cars, I was trying to work up the nerve to follow Sassy’s advice that I tell him (in a flirty way) that I was looking forward to spending time him. Only him.

I was about to when I realized that I am chicken shit and so not in the mood to get let down easy.  After a few minutes of small talk I got in my car and just sat there and he got in his and drove away.

As I reflected on my state of chicken shittiness, I realized that it wouldn’t be so bad to be let down easy. I could deal as long as I know there are no misunderstandings and I could make myself clear. I could live with it as long I was honest with him. That is one thing I learned from the crap with Ralph: Be honest. Early and often.  So I called him and he picked up on the second ring.

Ted: Hello?

Me: Ted?  Hey, it’s Lainie. I mean, you know that. Anyway, I know you just drove away and I realized that I would kick myself if I didn’t tell you that I do enjoy hanging out CB and usually wouldn’t mind if he came to a movie; I was looking forward to spending time with you. Just you. I don’t know if you are “there,” and it’s ok if you’re not. I just want to make it CLEAR that I want to get to know you better.

(Pause. Probably only a second, but it felt like an eternity)

Ted: Ok…ok…ok…Well, thank you for making yourself clear. Many women don’t do that and I really appreciate it. (Side note: This is the part where I cringed, because all of my years of dealing with boys, I fully expected the next words to be something like: “I’m very flattered, but…” or “You are such a good friend, but…”) Well, Lainie, I would like to get to know you better too. Are you available next week?

Me: (picking jaw off the floor) I am totally free.

Ted: Ok, I will figure out something fun for us to do and I will give you a call.

Me: OK. Well, I will see you next week. Have a good night! Bye!

Ted: Bye!

And that. Is how you get a date in this town.

Deadline

April 1st, 2014.

That is my official deadline and I now have 22 months to see if I can achieve life goals by moving to Terre Haute, IN. It is then that I will have to make a choice about what happens next.

Last month, we got a new landlord and all four of us in the building signed new leases. Jumping at the chance to lock in my super cheap (even for Terre Haute rent), I opted for a two-year lease and on May 1st 2014, I am moving out of my apartment.

I know that I can renew my lease and (possibly) live there forever, but at some point I need to grow up and make my dreams come true. I am not afraid to admit that I want to get married, buy a house and have kids...lots of kids. I'm not trying to be a Dugger, but I am Catholic, so one a half kids won't due. I wasn't having any luck before, so maybe I will now. 

22 months seems like a long time, but funny thing about that, it was 22 months ago that I went to South America and tried to end things with Ralph the first time and it seems like it was yesterday. And here I am realizing that although I may not completely get over him, I can move on and be happy. I just need to get my ass into gear and make my dreams come true. 

April 1st 2014.

When all is said and done, please God, don't let me look like a fool.

Lost and Found

Good Riddance, I say

So glad it’s out of my life and is never coming back.

Thanks to  the skillful hands of Dr. Guinn at Union Hospital here in Terre Haute and I am less one gall bladder.

Although I didn’t know it, the story of my gall bladder goes back at least two (maybe four) years. I would wake up in the middle of the night violently ill. I used to blame it on having too much dairy, but knew it was a problem when I it was happening when I didn’t even look at a cow!

 It got to the point when my old roommate, Lily would wake up with me when I was sick and start the tea kettle and made sure I had everything I needed to make this episode pass easier.

I cannot say it enough; I really love and miss you, Lily.

I went back and forth to the doctor and nothing. I never found out what was wrong with me. One told me I had acid reflux and another told me I was just really fat.

That was the one that annoyed me the most. I had just lost 40 pounds and I didn’t have to shop in the plus size section anymore!

Bitch.

After years of living in a city with world renowned hospitals, all I had to do go into a Terre Haute emergency room crying about a tummy ache and I was diagnosed in less than two hours.

Sassy, upon driving me back from the doctor that morning, had to laugh. “Some people,” she said, “leave Terre Haute for medical answers. You moved here and found them.”

That is so me. I always manage to find things where I least expect them.

My family decided to come down for two days to start my recovery off right complete with my 72 year old grandmother, Nannie, who was insisting on staying for two weeks. My mom cooked more meals than I could possibly eat, my uncle hung things on the wall that I didn’t have the tools to. And bless his heart, my super cute five year old brother managed to lift my spirits…while getting his toys and popcorn all over my apartment.

After they left (my plan to fake my speedy recovery worked and Nannie went home with the rest of the fam), I had a steady stream of Hautians in my apartment.

It started about an hour after my family left when Sassy and the kids set up camp for the night. Luke and Layla have been itching to sleep on my porch since I redid it the weekend I started actually living here (still haven’t forgiven KH, but I am a little less mad). They brought their sleeping bags and everything. It was super cute!

When I woke up the next morning, Trish (the co-worker formerly known as “the coworker known as Pat”) was in my house ready to look out for me. I wanted to watch a movie (totally fell asleep because of the drugs) and I insisted I go on a walk as I had gotten valuable Facebook advice from a high school classmate that it would be good for me.

Trish was having none of it.

Not only did she tell me no, she told Legs (Sassy’s sitter that I met once or twice before) that I couldn’t when she came to relieve her. I had to settle for watching another movie and starting a picture sorting project I had been putting off for years. Productive, but I wanted to move.

I thought for sure that I would get my way when Maddie from work came by around noon. Legs set her straight before I could work my magic only to find out Trish already let her know about my dastardly plan to live a life in motion.

Completely exhausted with my morning sitting, I took a nap for the whole afternoon (drugs are awesome) and I awaited Patty. I figured that she loves me and she does PT. She would let me go on a safe assisted walk.

Maddie got to her before I could wake up and because she does PT, Patty saw the merit in my Trish-imposed restriction.

As a consolation, she brought all of her jewelry making tools and I now I have an earring and necklace set to go with my cellulite and maybe a sundress or two. Her husband and son also came by in the evening and brought me dinner. It wasn’t until I was alone in my apartment that I realized that I had not really been alone for days and though I wasn’t sure I handled it well.

I had enough food in the fridge and flowers in every room of the house. For real. I heart flowers and am considered having something removed next week so the flowers Izzy (who now calls me Gallsie) and her boys got me don’t have a chance to die!

Kidding, of course. Recovery is no joke,

This evening Sassy and the kids took me on my first walk and I was pretty winded after a half an hour. I am officially ambulatory-ish and I can say that it has been a good recovery.

I can also say that I am glad I had everyone in my face the first few days because I know me and I would have overdone it…much like I did today while I was on my own. In my mission to rid my apartment of kernels, I found that I use my abdomen to do just about anything.

That is so me. Always finding things where I least expect them.

And now, because the doctors discovered what was wrong with me, I found out I still had family in town long after my relatives went home.

Pre-surgery

In 15 minutes I am going to have my gall bladder removed. After two years of intense stomach pain, I moved to Terre Haute and I got medical  answers...figures. 
I am sitting in the hospital holding court basking in my Lainie -ness cracking up the staff.
Sassy is recording my one-liners and they are zingers!  The OR is taking me away now....so goodbye!
Look at her hat!