What's June Shannon got that I don't?
Well, a boyfriend for starters.
June Shannon, better known as "Honey Boo Boo's mom" is in a relationship. Sigh.
I believe that I am being forced to redneck-ognize that maybe I am supposed to be a nun.
Not. Even. Kidding.
I mean, how can you even begin to explain all of my horrendous luck with men? Either someone up there is preventing a love connection or I haven't come out of a closet I didn't even know I was in. Nothing against girls, but I am sticking with the former.
I should have known something was amiss since well, forever. Sitting here thinking back, I have been getting "mixed signals" from boys for as long as I can remember. (Yes, I am still on the whole Brad thing. Don't act like you don't know how this works. It has to run its course and I should be fine in 8-10 business days) Right now I can count five consecutive times where it hasn't worked out since college and somehow I was reading everything all wrong and in most instances I was so committed to putting my time in and waiting it out.
Girls, that is never a good choice. Please, learn form my experience.
We'll start with Lewis. I met him about eight years ago when we worked together at a group home and I liked him, we became friends after he initially told me that he didn't like me in that way after we had our first pseudo date (he came over and we watched Beauty and the Beast and we had ice cream) and I just looked at him and said "OK."
I know what he said, but I didn't believe him mostly because he always wanted to go out with me. He would take me out to movies and buy me popcorn, he always wanted to be with me and no one else and there were even a few naps in the same bed. During the time we were "just friends," I had two boyfriends (the last time I had an official boyfriend) and he kind of freaked.
There was Toby, who was beautiful. He worked construction, had long blond hair, was a few years younger and the best kisser............................................................oh! sorry, I just got hung up on a memory. There was also Melvin. I don't know what to say about Melvin, except that I really didn't mean to date him. To the best of my recollection, there was beer and Keith Urban playing in the background and we were making out. The next day, he was calling me his girlfriend. I really liked making out so I let that slide...for a month. Most. Awkward. Break-Up. Ever.
After about two years, the non-relationship with Lewis finally ended when he told me that he didn't want to date someone with a kid (I have one, I placed him up for adoption at birth--we'll talk about it another time), completely taking something incredibly personal and painful about my life and not only turning it against me, but confirming my fears that someone wouldn't be able to love me because I would be seen as damaged goods. It was a long time until I told someone about my son again.
I was still friendly enough with Lewis after that even when he started dating an ugly girl with a kid.
Barry came into the picture about a year later I don't even want to get into the drama that was Barry. For now, all you need to know is that it totally sucked and I am glad I lived through it because it definitely made me stronger. I can tell you this, everything that happened with Barry is the reason I am proud to be Team Jacob. I helped him get through his crappy self-destructive phase after a major break-up, was his cheerleader and then he went back to her.
We are still friends (the best,even!), but I don't think I will ever make sense of everything that happened. One day, when I am ready, understand it, and have the time, I will let you know all about it.
Ralph. Do I need to say anything else about Ralph? We all know how that ended and I am pretty sure that I probably won't ever see him again. Even though we have mutual friends, I think that have been very careful to make sure that we never see each other. Only downside, I would hate for either one of us to miss out on a wedding or baptism because he smashed my heart.
I take that back, I would hate if I missed out on a wedding or baptism because Ralph smashed my heart.
Ted-still don't actually know where I stand with that one, but it most definitely his move.
And of course, there's Brad.
Brad is the most recent (and hopefully last) bit of proof that I really don't understand men at all. That for some reason, I am the string-a-long, girl. Sassy thinks that for some reason, guys see me as safe. That they are so safe with me that I can be treated like their girlfriend, but when I want to be their girlfriend, suddenly I didn't understand our relationship. I am perfectly safe.
Of course I am, THEY aren't the ones getting hurt.
So, June Shannon. What the hell does she have that I don't? Besides a boyfriend, I mean.
I have never watched the prosti-tots on Toddlers and Tiaras or Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. My knowledge of either comes from Joel McHale, but I trust him so I'm good.
I know the awful (the hoarding, the animals, the lack of nutrition), but in my Internet research, I found that she is compassionate (like me!), open about her flaws (well, she kind of has to be...) and she she sticks to her guns and won't let others take advantage.
And that is where she's got me.
Mama June's take me or leave me attitude is something that I think I possess, but I am finding doesn't always apply to guys I like.
They treat me less than what I am worth and I let them get away with it every single time.
Lewis' reasoning made me feel like shit, but I still talked to him and we were still friends until I moved away.
Barry, I found out early on, realized how I felt about him and didn't change the way he treated me. While he was out of the country on a month-long vacation, my friend Lola told me that they'd talked at my birthday party. He told her (possibly while drunk), that he knew that I liked him and that he was leaving in a few days and was hoping that by the time he got back, I would be over him so we could be friends. Also, he wanted to know if she could help with that. Lola told me about a week before he returned when she realized absence was making the heart grow fonder. Unsure of what to do, I booked a plane ticket to visit some friends in DC making sure that I would be out of town when he got back.
I was the first person he called and it was for a ride from the airport. I was actually with Ralph when I took the call (Barry and Ralph overlapped a bit) and it felt so good to NOT be available to him. Unfortunately, when I got home, it was business as usual and I kept how I felt to myself and he was happy to let me.
I allowed Ralph to string me along for years, being completely "safe" because of his discernment and I let him get away with everything until I finally let him have it.
In a Facebook message.
That he could read safely in his room at the seminary.
Even though I am definitely not going to make another move on Ted, the fact that I would give him another chance to stop being stupid is well, stupid.
Kinda regretting that I didn't call "bullshit" on Brad when I had the chance on Monday night. I was too easy on him when we talked and let him think we are just fine after being treated like I was the idiot for thinking that we could have been something. Exactly what? I am not sure, but I really should have let him know how crappy he was. Oh well, it's too late now.I know this because I have read He's Just Not That Into You twice, watched the movie and own the audio book and they say it is important not to give a man a chance to reject you twice. He'll just have to find out he pulled an asshole move from the next girl.
I have to stop the insanity! At some point (maybe now?) I have to learn to do things differently if I am ever gonna make Mama June proud. I don't know when this will be, but for now I am gonna drink my go-go juice like a good girl and put the almost empty family size bag of chips down (Future Hot Body Lainie is gonna be pissed!) and move on with my life.
I am gonna get it together eventually.
Someone out there is gonna be happy to meet me and I can't keep him waiting.
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