Showmance!

So, I got a part in a local production of a Broadway musical and I am having the time of my life!

I have been doing musicals since high school and I know there are many components that a show would not be complete with out and the showmance is one of them.

I have never had a showmance, I was a weird kid in high school and I also wasn't really allowed to date. I was an expert at having the show-friend...that turned into the show-crush. And boy did I crush.

There was Friedrich my freshman year and it was ridiculous. I think I crushed on him until college and believe me, I staked my claim. Recently, I found out a friend of mine had a crush on him (and may have actually had a chance with him), but did not act on it for fear of, well, me. Friedrich and I ended up being really good friends all through high school and talked on the phone every night and he took me to Winter dance my junior year (which was on my 16th birthday...the first day I could officially have a date!) and he was a great dancer. Wait; now that I think of it...is Friedrich gay? I might have to find out; I haven't talk to him in at least ten years.

There was a new one every fall with the school musical, I used to think it was because I went to an all girls high school and that was when I got to interact with guys so I may have lost my mind with all the crushes, but now that I am in a musical as an adult, I understand the showmance (and the unrequited show-crush) are inevitable.

And even though I am less weird and am allowed to date, I feel like I am back in high school.

His name is Brad and he is a good looking man. Very good looking. And my God, that voice. It is so deep and awesome and he sings country music.

Country music!

My friends know that I have always wanted a cowboy and I just started listened to country music again (another thing broken by Ralph-gate) and I really couldn’t be more excited to hear him sing anything with a twang!

At 24, he is eight years younger than me (he didn't get a joke I made about hanging Chads and the 2000 election and I realized that he was twelve and I was a senior in college.), but I did the math and half my age plus seven is 23 so I am technically not trying to rob the cradle and even if I were, I have a feeling he would be a willing accomplice. After weeks of trying not to get caught staring and figuring out a way to start a conversation, he walked into my store in the mall (I have a second job now) and because my guard was down for a moment I may have squealed and given him a hug. I had never had a conversation with him before that and I definitely broke the ice...in the most embarrassing way possible. He didn't seem to mind, we made small talk, I helped him with what he needed and he left. We have been flirting ever since.

As you well know, I have no luck with guys. For some reason I am “just friends” material and no matter how much I think (or everyone else around me feels) a guy might like me, it never works so I know that I shouldn’t get my hopes up.

But it is so hard not to when he always wants to be next to me and sits real close and flashes that thousand watt smile in my direction. It also doesn’t help that our flirting is super conspicuous and all the teens in the show are starting to talk.

High school doesn’t end. No matter how old you are.

It was just the other day that I got asked by a freshman if Brad and I were dating and it was the day after that was asked by a senior if were “an item.” All of the teens are very curious and they have started watching our every move and they are waiting for something. What for exactly, I am not sure. All I know is that when I am backstage, I have several pairs of adolescent eyes on me and it would be a little unnerving if it weren’t so funny. Two of the youth I serve are in the musical and I think one of them has a crush on him too.

To answer your question, yes. It is a bit awkward completing with one of my teens for a guys attention. That really should be a red alert, but I am totally ignoring it and pushing through.

Anyway, Brad found out that we are considered a super couple by all of the adolescent cast members. It was then that he jokingly asked, “How excited are you?” and I was all “I was about to ask you the same thing. I know that I am always a part of something awesome, you’re just along for the ride.” We both laughed and continued our conversation and I acted like the answer I kept inside doesn’t go something like this:

“Excited? Hells yeah, I’m excited! I always wanted to be a part of a super couple! What do you think our name will be? How about Bainie? Or Lad? Wait! I got it: Mac Braddy! We’ll go with Mac Braddy! What do you think?”

Please don’t try to commit me, I promise I won’t say any of that out loud.

OK, I am fully aware that what Brad and I have is not exactly a showmance, but I know that he is just as excited to see me as I am to see him every night so I know this can’t be one sided.

I also know that this will have to end soon and I am totally debating about making a move (I know, I know, but screw the rules!) before next weekend.  Trixie (new friend!) wondered if I was worried that I would ruin my friendship with him. My answer: Nope. We really don’t have a relationship outside of our backstage (and sometimes Facebook) flirting and that will most likely be over closing night if he doesn’t like me anyway. So no, I am not worried and I think I will take the risk!

…or not.  

What do you think?

I just don’t know what to do. I don’t understand boys now and I didn’t understand them when I was Brad’s age so good luck to me.

Help!

Lainie the Partycrasher

I'm famous.

Well, not really, but I do have a fan page on Facebook and a video to go with it. I basically talk about how awesome I am at starting the party no matter the holiday and as my friend shout holidays/events, I sing a relate-able song and make up a dance off the top of my head. It was made on a random weeknight before my friend and her husband went back Ireland so we were hanging out and we got a little bit silly without the assistance of alcohol...just Diet Coke and Chicago's pizza.

I am kind of internationally known (so no, I am not Rob Base) with fans in Ireland, Canada and Asia. Though I don't know if I am a big deal in Japan or not, the video is becoming a big deal in Terre Haute. If you google my (real) name, it is the first thing that comes up and a lot of the teens I serve have seen it many times and are even getting their friends to watch.

It is a funny video! I think it is a great thing for the teens to know I am kind of cuckoo and adults can be fun, that is one of the key reasons I am good at my job.

Too bad not everyone feels the same way.

Trish called today concerning the video. Someone who wouldn't give their name called and demanded that Geoff be made aware of the video and its inappropriate nature. According to this woman, my boobs were hanging out and I was gyrating suggestively. 

Lies.

ALL LIES!

I hadn't seen the video in a while so I watched it again and there was absolutely nothing wrong with it.  I don't know what this lady's issue is, but me goofy dancing while COVERED UP is not inappropriate and it certainly isn't grounds for calling my boss and stating that she will call our main office and make sure that they know about it as well. Actually, the only thing truly offensive about the video is that I was forty pounds heavier then and the camera is not kind.

Sometimes I don't get the folks in this town. Ever since I moved here, I realized that because of my job, people I have never met know exactly who I am and because I don't exactly look like everyone (not many black girls with a fro around here), I can't just sink into the background...even if my personality did permit such wallflower behavior.

It is not possible for me to have a bad day in public, I can't get annoyed with the cashier when she makes a mistake for the 85th time, I am unable to just cross my fingers and hope I have enough money in my account so my debit card goes through when I am buying those super cute shoes (admit it single ladies, you do it too!) like I used to for fear that if it gets declined, there will be much gossip and many a food basket at my front door.

Sometimes, I just can't be me.

Not that I am an abrasive shop-a-holic (not a word, city friends!), but I would love to have a bad day and not have people talking about it until next week. Or make a small mistake that doesn't call for flapping jaws. I told Sassy, that I have never felt as guarded and cold in my life! I work for an organization that is known for doing good (we have no choice, it's just who we are) and I am constantly running into obstacles where I cannot be seen as separate from my job and I am expected to always be at work long after I've left my desk.

Now this.

It's not like I pulled a Kardashian and got all up on some guy, I was dancing and singing. Much like the same dancing and singing that I do when I am with the teens.  I was just being Lainie and starting the party, in this ladies mind I guess I am crashing it.

That's me, Lainie the Partycrasher.

Sassy says that now that  I am in my second year, people have decided about me and I now have fans and foes. My fans are the ones that think I am fantastic (as they should) and make me aware that I am still not only welcome, but have an open invitation to start the party. My foes will now be watching me looking for weaknesses and treating me as if I have crashed their party.

Now I have crashed a party before, there was that time in first grade that I was sure when a classmate didn't invite me to her party that it was an oversight...I may have been a slightly delusional child. (I am sure Ms. Bloom didn't mean to make people feel bad, but she had her stand in front of the class and invite the five kids she wanted to come. Who does that?! ) The girl sitting next to me was invited and I copied all of the information, went home and told my mom I had been invited to a party for the next day. No joke, my mom and I got up the next day, bought her a gift, wrapped it, hopped on the bus (with my baby sister in tow), went to her house and enjoyed the party like I was supposed to be there all along. 

I honestly don't know how I got away with it. Maybe I ignored the awkwardness that came when the girls were staring at me like I had three heads and was forced to either play by myself or with the younger kids. when it was time to go, I walked to the door, turned around to face her and said "I know you didn't invite me, but I am glad I came, I had fun and the cake was good." Then I left.

6 year old Lainie had balls. Wha-what?!

You may call it crashing, I call it refusing to let people miss out on my awesome-ness.

Maybe, while she is waiting to experience my awesome-ness, anonymous caller lady thinks that with this video I am somehow imposing and making everyone sing songs and dance as they relate to holidays. Maybe she is scared I will make her children pursue Judaism, I am after all spinning like a dreidl in celebration of Hanukkah!

 All I can think when I heard Trish telling me about this is that this anonymous complainer doesn't know and apparently has no desire to rectify it. She just felt threatened because she doesn't understand me and also because different equals bad to some of the folks around here, I must be stopped. I must be stopped by as many people as possible, because that is what calling Geoff and the main office will do.

I don't want this to be a big deal, but I can't help but think I will be forced to take it down and when that happens, there will be another piece of who I am that will claimed by this town and not only that, I will start to lose sight of who I used to be.

Is it wrong that I just can't let that happen? Wrong that as silly as that video is, I would hate for it to be lost (I don't have a copy)? I would be hate for the memories of that day and good times spent with friends in my city fail to be tangible. I really do want to hang on to that part of me because I can't verbally bitch-slap the cashier or try no less than three cards desperately attempting to buy those super cute pumps.

As much as moving here has been great for my growth and has allowed me to move on from pain, it really does suck sometimes.

I just can't let anonymous caller and her supporters crash the party I started.

I will miss you, friend

I have been so busy living my life that I haven't made time to write much...or at all. It is a sad irony that a death had to make me stop and spend time expressing how I feel.

Sad. I feel sad. I lost a friend last night, since I have moved here, we only communicated over Facebook and the occasional email and even less frequently when she was diagnosed with terminal cancer.

Someone should know I thought she was amazing. For me, she was always an example of compassion and I knew that she always had my back, even at the times when others she was close to were the ones attacking. I don't think that she will ever realize how the small things she did to reassure me really kept me going when I was burnt out at work and ready to throw in the towel. I will never forget our "girl's afternoons" when we, along with her two beautiful daughters would spoil our dinner with huge servings Margie's ice cream, and how she always seemed to know when I needed that.

Those beautiful girls, it seems so wrong. They should have their mother, but I can't help but think that even though she was taken away from them so young, everything they needed to learn from her, she taught them before 730p last night. Through her example, they will know how to persevere though life may challenge them, to have respect and compassion for others and to hold their ground in the face of adversity.

Though she may not have seemed that way all the time to everyone, my friend was an incredibly strong woman that loved so much and the world will truly be a different place now that she has left us.

I don't any more words, just tears. And prayers for her family. May God bless them on this and everyday and may he ease their pain.