My First Kill

My hands are still shaking as I write this. I never thought I would be a murderer, but all it takes is one kill. I took a life and I kept going with the shock and sadness sitting inside me. I screamed out loud once I started to process my actions and I called my sister right away. Upon hearing the sadness in my voice, she became concerned and the was when I made my confession. “Misha,” I said, “I killed a squirrel.” And while I was struggling to hold back tears she laughed out loud. OUT LOUD! "I think you will be fine,” she said. I knew I wouldn't and I explained that to her. I saw the squirrel run in front of my car when it was too late to swerve and I felt my car roll over the poor creature and I am so sad that because of me, it won't make it home. She listened, sighed and told me if I still feel bad in the morning that I should turn myself in. Jerk.

I have seen a good share of roadkill in my life and have even driven over a squirrel carcass or two, but this was different. In the city, our squirrels are street smart, they know not to run out into the street. They were happy to stay on the sidewalk where it is safe and I would not be surprised to see one cross at the light! In Terre Haute, these squirrels act like they have no cares in the world. They just run across roads putting our lives in their hands and trusting us humans not to murder them.. No wonder there is so much roadkill in this town.

The adventurous side of me knows that I ran across state lines without a care in the world to this town. In my city, I knew where I could go to stay safe and when I could make a move. In Terre Haute, I don't know where safe is and I have spent the last few months completely freaked about getting run over that I haven't yet bothered to cross the street. I spend my free time in my apartment or on my friend Sassy's couch. She was the only person I knew when I moved here and we became fast friends. As much as I love the friend I have found in her, Sassy can't be the only person I have here. I am a little nervous that I might be rejected for being so different that I will not only get run over, but my assailants will keep moving with no regard for me and the life I am starting here.

It was that poor squirrel that took a risk, no matter how unsuccessful, that  the key to surviving life here may be knowing  when and where it safe to cross, but I should also take a chance. I feel that for others the initial excitement of my newness is starting to wear off and my “big city” way of thinking and doing is less exciting and for me, I am beginning to see others for who they are during our interactions and it is starting to feel they are getting in my way. I think part of it is that they don't really understand me and I haven't been open to them knowing who I am. I have been a bit guarded, stubborn and afraid to get hit that I have been unwilling to open my eyes long enough to see if where I am is a safe place to cross.

Terre Haute is my new city and it is up to me to make it safe for myself. As much as I miss my hometown, I realize it is up to me to figure out how to open myself up a bit more to what this town has to over and take more risks...well smarter risks than that poor squirrel. So now I have goals: To take risks, find where safe is and to cross the street once in a while while praying someone doesn't come barrelling down the road at the absolute wrong time.