This is an actual letter that I sent. I have changed the name (innocent or not) and it gives some insight to why I really moved here.
Lainie
Dear Ralph,
I got your message the other night asking why Facebook didn't have us as friends. It seemed like you thought it was some sort of mistake.
It wasn't.
Please understand that although the content of this letter might be a bit upsetting, I want you to know that although I am listening to Adele while writing this, I am chock full of endorphins from my workout and have a clear mind.
I felt the time had come for us to end whatever this is and before the clock struck midnight on New Year's Day I had to start 2012 (insert your weight here) pounds lighter. So on last Saturday night, I unfriended you.
I remember the day we met, I literally swept you off your feet and since that day, I can't remember a time when it wasn't us. I know in the beginning we were only just friends, but over time we did grow into something more. Over the course of five years (five years!) I just fell in love with you knowing full well you were discerning the priesthood. Here I was waiting and praying that you will make a choice and maybe realize that although I am not the Almighty, a life with me would be pretty fantastic. We'd gotten so comfortable and in a routine and were doing normal couple things like cooking each other dinner and having season passes to Six Flags (normal guys and girls don't do those things together unless they are dating,) that when you told me you'd applied to the seminary, I'd forgotten that was still an option. I remember going out of my mind for about 30 seconds before pulling it together not to ruin any one's fun at THE WEDDING RECEPTION.
The rest of that night was a blur though I would find out later that all of our friends though excited for the newlyweds were most excited for us. Apparently we looked the happiest we had ever been and everyone thought you finally pulled your head out of your ass and realized that you wanted to be with me. If you remember, even your best friend thought so. I was told it even got to the point of people regularly checking our relationship statuses on Facebook because they were so sure. The outpouring of support I received once you posted on Facebook that you'd gotten in the seminary was overwhelmingly validating.
This summer was the worst. I had to work with you four days a week trying not to go insane while you acted like nothing had changed and I just let you. Call me a masochist, but I wasn't ready to let you go and I figured I would take what I could get until August and you started the seminary. It proved to be way too much early on and I had a break down and knew I just had to get the hell out of town. The week I was in West Virginia did me good. I found out about the job here and realized I was never gonna be OK with you moving on as long as I was standing still. It just wasn't fair that you got to go off and have your life be great and I had to deal with being me without you, so I left. I left my hometown and everything I know and love because I needed a fresh start too.
I got one. I moved to Terre Haute to start over and maybe heal, but it has been really hard. I remember before I left we made plans for the fall and we really didn't say goodbye because you were so sure that we would see each other in a few weeks and you were also gonna figure out when you could come see me. That wasn't normal behavior for someone going to the seminary. It was like you wouldn't let me let you go and I realize that it has been like that the whole time. Anytime there was the possibility of someone else you managed to make it seem like a bad idea in your own way every single time. That and the fact you were happy to act like my boyfriend made me feel like we were a lot closer to something. When I moved here I had decided that our relationship wasn't appropriate with you being in the seminary and all so I decided that when you called to make plans I would tell you so and ask you not to call.
You never called.
I felt both betrayed and relieved. It seemed like you (finally) understood what I tried to tell you twice. Remember when I didn't want to go on the road trip to DC about four years ago because our relationship definitely blurred boundary lines? Or what about that time a year and half ago when I tried to actually end our relationship because I had feelings and it wasn't fair because you were discerning and I didn't want to get in the way of that? I remember that time so well because that was the most emotion I have ever seen you display when you told me "No." You said that you had to have me in your life and maybe I should take sometime to think about it. I was leaving for South America the next day and you were all "have fun on your trip and we will talk when you get back." It was like you didn't hear what I was trying to tell you and wouldn't accept anything less than what you needed. (Why was that, Ralph?) I know then that I needed this to be over, but because it didn't work for you, it wouldn't work. I gave in (of course) and came back from South America two weeks later and after a few days after that we went out to dinner like nothing happened and I gave you the leather bag I brought you from the market while I was there.
Over the last four and half months I have tried to move on, but it is so difficult for me because even though you won't acknowledge me by calling or answering both times I called (drunk dialed...when I am sober I am much better at fighting the urge), but you continue to write on my Facebook wall, post inside jokes and comment on things I have written to other people. Like I said, it's like you just won't let me let you go. It's bad enough that just about everything reminds me of you ("Lady" came on the radio a few weeks back and I had to pull over because I was crying and all we ever did was make fun of that song.), you have to remind me of you. So I'm telling to you that I have to be done and I really need you to hear me this time.
I don't think you were fair to me at all, Ralph. I don't care about excuses or rationalizations you are making while reading this letter, I know that I was (and maybe still am?) more than just your friend. I remember I was standing in the kitchen years ago when you were living out of state for grad school and we were talking about what your next move should be. You had so many options and you asked me what you should do. I told you I wanted you come home and you did. Then nothing. I think you got scared and I think you are still scared (which is fine with me because thinking long term I don't want a pussy-ass raising kids with me) and although you are in the seminary I am confident that one day you will have to deal with me and what we were. I pray that you are able to hear God better than you were ever able to hear me.
I understand that a calling is a calling and that if it is truly what God has planned for you then I never stood a chance. But what amazes me is that you were blind to what you and I felt and what others saw. How? Why?
After so many years I have grown tired of burning myself with the torch I held for you and the kicker is that no matter what you say or think, I know I was not alone in this. I know you probably didn't love me as much as I love you, but you did love me and probably still do. That's fine, Ralph. I am working hard to move on and make a life here, but I can't do that because your presence (cyber and other wise) are like a ghost and I need to do this because I am trying to be happy. I had a date not too long ago and I was giddy and excited, but before I went to bed that night I thought of you and I cried. Without even trying, you managed to make it hard for me to let you go from 200 miles away.
I know right now I can't talk to you and I am imagining that your response to this letter will infuriate me so please spare me for now. I wish you every happiness because I do love and miss you and want nothing but God's blessings in your life even if they don't include me.
Be well, Ralph.
Love,
Lainie
Lainie
Dear Ralph,
I got your message the other night asking why Facebook didn't have us as friends. It seemed like you thought it was some sort of mistake.
It wasn't.
Please understand that although the content of this letter might be a bit upsetting, I want you to know that although I am listening to Adele while writing this, I am chock full of endorphins from my workout and have a clear mind.
I felt the time had come for us to end whatever this is and before the clock struck midnight on New Year's Day I had to start 2012 (insert your weight here) pounds lighter. So on last Saturday night, I unfriended you.
I remember the day we met, I literally swept you off your feet and since that day, I can't remember a time when it wasn't us. I know in the beginning we were only just friends, but over time we did grow into something more. Over the course of five years (five years!) I just fell in love with you knowing full well you were discerning the priesthood. Here I was waiting and praying that you will make a choice and maybe realize that although I am not the Almighty, a life with me would be pretty fantastic. We'd gotten so comfortable and in a routine and were doing normal couple things like cooking each other dinner and having season passes to Six Flags (normal guys and girls don't do those things together unless they are dating,) that when you told me you'd applied to the seminary, I'd forgotten that was still an option. I remember going out of my mind for about 30 seconds before pulling it together not to ruin any one's fun at THE WEDDING RECEPTION.
The rest of that night was a blur though I would find out later that all of our friends though excited for the newlyweds were most excited for us. Apparently we looked the happiest we had ever been and everyone thought you finally pulled your head out of your ass and realized that you wanted to be with me. If you remember, even your best friend thought so. I was told it even got to the point of people regularly checking our relationship statuses on Facebook because they were so sure. The outpouring of support I received once you posted on Facebook that you'd gotten in the seminary was overwhelmingly validating.
This summer was the worst. I had to work with you four days a week trying not to go insane while you acted like nothing had changed and I just let you. Call me a masochist, but I wasn't ready to let you go and I figured I would take what I could get until August and you started the seminary. It proved to be way too much early on and I had a break down and knew I just had to get the hell out of town. The week I was in West Virginia did me good. I found out about the job here and realized I was never gonna be OK with you moving on as long as I was standing still. It just wasn't fair that you got to go off and have your life be great and I had to deal with being me without you, so I left. I left my hometown and everything I know and love because I needed a fresh start too.
I got one. I moved to Terre Haute to start over and maybe heal, but it has been really hard. I remember before I left we made plans for the fall and we really didn't say goodbye because you were so sure that we would see each other in a few weeks and you were also gonna figure out when you could come see me. That wasn't normal behavior for someone going to the seminary. It was like you wouldn't let me let you go and I realize that it has been like that the whole time. Anytime there was the possibility of someone else you managed to make it seem like a bad idea in your own way every single time. That and the fact you were happy to act like my boyfriend made me feel like we were a lot closer to something. When I moved here I had decided that our relationship wasn't appropriate with you being in the seminary and all so I decided that when you called to make plans I would tell you so and ask you not to call.
You never called.
I felt both betrayed and relieved. It seemed like you (finally) understood what I tried to tell you twice. Remember when I didn't want to go on the road trip to DC about four years ago because our relationship definitely blurred boundary lines? Or what about that time a year and half ago when I tried to actually end our relationship because I had feelings and it wasn't fair because you were discerning and I didn't want to get in the way of that? I remember that time so well because that was the most emotion I have ever seen you display when you told me "No." You said that you had to have me in your life and maybe I should take sometime to think about it. I was leaving for South America the next day and you were all "have fun on your trip and we will talk when you get back." It was like you didn't hear what I was trying to tell you and wouldn't accept anything less than what you needed. (Why was that, Ralph?) I know then that I needed this to be over, but because it didn't work for you, it wouldn't work. I gave in (of course) and came back from South America two weeks later and after a few days after that we went out to dinner like nothing happened and I gave you the leather bag I brought you from the market while I was there.
Over the last four and half months I have tried to move on, but it is so difficult for me because even though you won't acknowledge me by calling or answering both times I called (drunk dialed...when I am sober I am much better at fighting the urge), but you continue to write on my Facebook wall, post inside jokes and comment on things I have written to other people. Like I said, it's like you just won't let me let you go. It's bad enough that just about everything reminds me of you ("Lady" came on the radio a few weeks back and I had to pull over because I was crying and all we ever did was make fun of that song.), you have to remind me of you. So I'm telling to you that I have to be done and I really need you to hear me this time.
I don't think you were fair to me at all, Ralph. I don't care about excuses or rationalizations you are making while reading this letter, I know that I was (and maybe still am?) more than just your friend. I remember I was standing in the kitchen years ago when you were living out of state for grad school and we were talking about what your next move should be. You had so many options and you asked me what you should do. I told you I wanted you come home and you did. Then nothing. I think you got scared and I think you are still scared (which is fine with me because thinking long term I don't want a pussy-ass raising kids with me) and although you are in the seminary I am confident that one day you will have to deal with me and what we were. I pray that you are able to hear God better than you were ever able to hear me.
I understand that a calling is a calling and that if it is truly what God has planned for you then I never stood a chance. But what amazes me is that you were blind to what you and I felt and what others saw. How? Why?
After so many years I have grown tired of burning myself with the torch I held for you and the kicker is that no matter what you say or think, I know I was not alone in this. I know you probably didn't love me as much as I love you, but you did love me and probably still do. That's fine, Ralph. I am working hard to move on and make a life here, but I can't do that because your presence (cyber and other wise) are like a ghost and I need to do this because I am trying to be happy. I had a date not too long ago and I was giddy and excited, but before I went to bed that night I thought of you and I cried. Without even trying, you managed to make it hard for me to let you go from 200 miles away.
I know right now I can't talk to you and I am imagining that your response to this letter will infuriate me so please spare me for now. I wish you every happiness because I do love and miss you and want nothing but God's blessings in your life even if they don't include me.
Be well, Ralph.
Love,
Lainie
Oh why do you have to be so far away, I want to just hug you SO BIG right now.
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