So I did it.
I called him.
It was yesterday after my date with CeeCee at the McDonald’s
in Sullivan (believe me, that is all there is to do in that town) and I didn’t
have to work my call-in shift at the mall…mostly because I put pressure on the
closing manager to let me have a love life.
Everything was in place for Chaps and I to go out because
after a midday text fest, he told me he was free and I told him that I may have
to work. He was quick to say that he would come visit me if that were the case
and of course I was super giddy.
So I made it happen, I called on my way back from Sullivan to
tell him I didn’t have to work and to see what he was up to and it turns out he
was already out to dinner with two of his girl friends. I was bummed until he
invited me to join them and took him up on his offer.
When I arrived, I thought I had the wrong restaurant.
He didn’t look how I remembered. Despite the fact we sent
each other pics the other night (and he looked just fine then), I was surprised
that he looked nothing like the cowboy I remembered. He was a bit, umm…larger
than I remember (hope he wasn’t thinking the same about me!) and he was wearing
regular clothes (that were a little snug…and not in a good way) this time. He also wore a black Nike cap perched on the
top of his head and tilted slightly to the left…perfectly accented by the two
very large cubic-zirconium (at least I hope) studs in his ear.
Chaps had been replaced by the love child of B-Rad from Malibu ’s Most Wanted and
Cameron from Modern Family
This was more than that awkward moment when the guy you met
at the bar isn’t as cute as you remember; it was that awkward moment when you
realize the guy you met at the bar was probably gay. More than that, he was
ghey-tto
Flashback to 2011:
When I first moved here, there was a guy I was crushing on big time we got
along really well and I gave him my number. We talked a few times when I first
moved here and I tried to get together and it never happened. For some reason
he wasn’t interested at all and I was kinda bummed…until I found out he was gay.
If I was correct about Chaps, this would make twice. Twice
my gaydar has malfunctioned.
I was a bit confused by this initial thought, but then I sat
down and started conversations with the girls who were there with him. Darcy
has been his friend for ten years and she’s from my city! She and I have the
same accent and it was really great to talk to her. Darcy seems like a really
nice person and she has a really pretty face and a great personality. Selma is about ten years
older than me and she seems a bit, well…rough. You can tell life has not always
been a picnic for her and she has just the right amount of bitterness and good
humor to make a good (not sloppy) drinking buddy.
These are the kind of women that love gay men and gay men
love them right back.
Yes, I realize it is not fair of me to assume things of
Chaps based on my experiences and the state of my previous reality from the
time I left it fifteen months ago; I just don’t know how I could be wrong about
this.
He is also a major over-sharer. I learned more about him
than I should ever know about anybody once I meet them for the first time.
Or ever.
Darcy would sometimes preempt a story by asking him “Do you
really want to tell this story right now?” and he would think better of it.
Based on the things I was already privy to, I am slightly afraid of the stories
he did not tell.
As our conversation continued (I didn’t get a word in edgewise.
Me? Not get a word in? Rare), I started to notice what he said and how he said
them like how he called his brother “trash” and
his incredibly flamboyant mannerisms (I am pretty sure he gave something
two snaps up), his love of brands (he called his wallet his “Coach”) and bitter
commentary on life. Not to mention the fact he did go to beauty school…so he
could do hair with his grandmother.
This man has to be gay.
I felt like I was in a crossover episode of Punk’d and
Invasion of the Body Snatchers. I did not know the person sitting next to me at
all.
What. Happened?
What happened to the attractive guy I have been texting for
the last two weeks? He is hilarious, considerate, let’s me talk and share’s
appropriate amounts of information about himself. I really like him.
After dinner all of us went to his place for drinks (I made
sure to call friends to let them know where I was going) and I got to know
Darcy and Selma
a bit better. They are pretty cool girls. I really like Darcy; she seems like
someone I would be friends with on my own. It might just be the city connection
(even though she is a Sox fan), but she seems really genuine and tough really
great qualities in a friend and fellow city girl. Selma is nice and she does have a good sense
of humor.
The conversation was fine we listened to 80’s music, laughed,
told crazy stories while I sat on the couch with Darcy and he shared the love
seat with Selma .
He didn’t even try to sit next to me (or come to think of it, pay any attention
to me). I was OK with the seating arrangements, it gave me a chance to observe
him playing with his cat (a boy cat who donned a blingy silver color and a fur
cat toy fashioned into a boa) while I was working to figure out a way to make
just Darcy and Selma
my friends without it being awkward. Throughout the course of the night, I was
starting to be on the fence about his alleged gayness and then I had to go to
the bathroom.
This was what I found on the edge of the tub:
I have no doubt that this was there on purpose. On. Purpose. I don't even have a decorative vase of fake flowers in my bathroom! I had to whip my phone out and text CeeCee and Prue about it. I had been
keeping them in the loop about my suspicions and they had to know about
progress on my end. CeeCee was helping me interpret the “signs” (she asked if
he had #chaps-swag—all the girls think Brad is gay) and being a cheerleader
while Prue was doing some detective work. Terre Haute
is the biggest small town in America ;
someone was bound to know something.
It was getting late and I had to get home to pack for a work
trip (in Orlando !),
but we were in the middle of a conversation and I needed to find an out when I
don’t know how it came up, but I told them I named my car Mona and Chaps was
all “You name your car?” in a tone of voice that insinuated how weird he felt
that was. And I promptly responded “You think that’s weird? You have a boy cat
that is wearing a blinged-out collar and a feather boa!” The girls laughed and
he got up and said “Oh that’s nothing,” walked into the hall closet and that
was when it happened:
Chaps came out of the closet…holding a hanger with at least
15-20 cat collars on it. They all had varying degrees of fanciness and bling,
but when he pointed out the Ed Hardy one; I knew it was time to go.
I said my goodbyes, thanked him for the invite and
practically ran to my car so I could call Prue.
What the hell? How
did I read that all wrong? I thought he wanted a girlfriend, not another girl
to add to his gay harem!
I told Sassy the other day that this all felt too easy. How
we met, that he was not afraid to be bold enough to sing that song and make the
first move. Yep, too good to be true.
Turns out he is most likely a gay man without a filter.
I shouldn’t be surprised; of course every man in my life has
to be gay or a priest.
To be fair, I did have a friend all through college that was
extremely effeminate and overweight so everyone assumed he was gay…even me as I
was one of many girls he befriended. He made the best shopping buddy, bitter
commentary buddy and show tunes singing buddy a girl could want, there was no
reason to think he was straight so we all just waited patiently for him to
figure it out for himself. Fifteen years later, he is still all of those things
minus a hundred pounds and no one really gets the gay vibe anymore.
On the way to the airport this morning, I was wondering if
that was the case with Chaps.
I was telling Annette
that somewhere in this person I met last night was my original Chaps and maybe,
just maybe I should give him another chance. I mean, when I got home and was
finishing up packing he texted to check
in and we slipped into our easy banter and humor and I almost forgot how odd
the night had been for me.(If all else fails, we could just have text. I can’t
be the first girl to use a guy for what he could do with his thumbs.) That was when Annette ushered me back to
reality and said “You could be right about finding that guy you know, but he
will still have that cat.”
Right. The Cat. He was super devoted to that cat. Did I forget
to mention the only picture in the whole place (among all of the Party Lite
candles) was a framed photo of that cat?
Yea…
“I guess I will have to wait until that cat dies,” I said,
“and I don’t have that kind of time.”
“No you don't,” said Annette, “but he’ll just get another cat. He’s
got all those collars.”
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